Golfers Could Have a Bald With Look

Mike Downey’s Little Read Golf Book:

--To publicize their sport and to show support for their bald-as-a-Dunlop buddy John Daly at this week’s PGA Championship tournament, Jack, Nick, Shark, Walrus, Ben, Bernhard, Ernie, Lanny, Corey and Fuzzy are hereby asked to shave their heads.

Bald golfers have long been discriminated against by an appalling lack of hairless players on the PGA Tour. This is an opportunity for many professionals to join Long John Daly, who shortly after winning the British Open took a Miller Barber to his Jerry Pate and has not yet replaced his divot.

“Now we can be like Michael Jordan,” one PGA golfer said to another.

“You mean now we can lose $100,000 a hole?”

“The Golden Bear would look good, bald.”

“The Golden Bear would look like a Golden Eagle, bald.”

“The White Shark would look great, bald.”

“The White Shark would look like a koala bear, bald.”

“Fuzzy would look fine, bald.”

“Fuzzy would need to change his name, bald.”

“Well, you know what Ben Wright says about golfers being bald.”

“What does Ben Wright say?”

“Big hair interferes with your swing.”

Long (at least off the tee) John Daly, in giving himself a striking resemblance to Superman’s arch-enemy, Lex Luthor, has given hope to many of us follically challenged hackers who have grown up believing that only the hairy can play on a professional level. Many of us play golf with equipment that does not include a curling iron.

Tennis now has Andre Agassi razoring his head, basketball has bald dribblers galore and boxers haven’t required barbers since Ali was making himself pretty. But golfers, holy moley, are they ever hairy. I’ve seen golfers on the senior tour with more hair than guitarists on the Lollapalooza tour. Doesn’t anyone on any green wear a rug?

I took out my 1995 PGA Tour guide to look for baldies.

Nick Price? No, hair like a flight attendant’s. Jay Don Blake? No, thick as a blackjack dealer’s. Ian Baker-Finch? No, his is like Daniel Day-Lewis’. Bill Glasson? No, his is like Cybill Shepherd’s.

Guy Boros, a little shaggy. Mark Brooks, a beautiful wave. Curt Byrum, luxurious.

Keith Clearwater’s? Kind of a Barry Manilow look. Fred Couples? Boyish and cute, like he just popped out of a Super Cuts. Glen Day, maybe an ex-Marine, just back from the invasion.

Ernie Els, Bob Estes, Brad Faxon? Any more hair, they’d need larger caps. Raymond Floyd? Photographer caught him with a cowlick, a Bob’s Big Boy curl and swirl. David Frost, full-bodied. Hubert Green, debonair. Greg Kraft, perfect, right out of a Pert commercial. Phil Mickelson, yes, Hugh Grant returns to Sunset Boulevard.

But where, oh where, had all the bald golfers gone? Were they forbidden from the Tour? Could this be one of those old Deane Beman tricks to improve golf’s image, like banning Bill Murray? Did constant exposure to sunshine assure golfers of growing flowing, Chia Pet-like scalps?

Why, exactly, did John Daly mow his lawn?

He was coming off his biggest victory in years. Had his hair blown wild in Scotland’s cold wind? Did he not feel like wearing a head cover, or one of those kangaroo cowboy hats worn by Greg (Hopalong) Norman? Had he been approached by the Prince of Wales, a man famously attracted to blondes? Had he met Madonna and been urged to dye it green?

No, said Daly after turning up bald for a pro-am in Sweden, some people had said his hair was too long, others said too short, “So I thought to hell with it, take the lot off.”

Yeah. That’s what I said at his age. Too bad it never grew back.

This is why I have had no golfer with whom to identify. Arnold Palmer, nice man, wonderful player, too much hair. Lee Trevino, funny guy, wonderful player, too much hair. No, my idols continued to be Grant Hill, George Foreman, Mark Messier, Matt Williams, Susan Powter, all the bald greats. Did they ever know that they’re my heroes?

John Daly, welcome to the club.

Tell Faldo and Price to take it off, take it all off. Get over to Nick’s with a Bic. Here at the PGA this week, Long John, you might see bald rubber masks in your gallery, in your honor. And be sure to let Nicklaus know that a man can still be a bear without being golden.