LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

This case is a circus.

-- Christopher Darden

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Cirque du O.J.: “Prosecutors decided not to ask Judge Ito to step down. It was quite a battle, but the networks refused to approve a cast change this close to the start of the fall season.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “Defense attorneys had no idea that Ito was about to shed a tear Tuesday. They only respond to the scent of blood.” (Brad Halpern)

Among David Letterman’s Top 10 “other” reasons why Ito might step down:

* Dead have asked him to replace Jerry Garcia.

* Got one of them “eat-the-crust-first” pizza commercials.

* Tired of seeing his reflection in Darden’s head.

* Last week, found himself believing something Johnnie Cochran said.

To the tune of “Can’t Smile Without You,” Marcia Clark sings to Judge Ito:

Can’t trial without you. Can’t rile without you.

I can’t rant, and I can’t cross,

Though thanks to those tapes,

We’ve probably lost.

--Cutler Daily Scoop

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Also in the news: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the Clintons’ Wyoming vacation: “This backwoods stuff is something new for him. When he wanted wildlife before, he’d just call up an Arkansas state trooper.”

* Adds comedy writer Jerry Perisho: “For camping out, the Clintons have brought along a little touch of Washington: the Lincoln sleeping bag.”

Comic Jenny Church, on fossil discoveries in Kenya that reveal a 4 million-year-old ancestor of man: “Remnants of an arm and a leg were unearthed near Lake Turkana. It was the first documented evidence of a human paying a legal bill.”

* Adds Kenny Noble (FM 103.1): “The bones not only prove that man walked upright, but also that Danny DeVito’s genes are dominant.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on both GOP Sen. Bob Packwood and Democratic Rep. Mel Reynolds being accused of making sexual advances to underage women: “Who says the two parties can’t work together on the same issue?”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the dispute over the estate of multimillionaire J. Howard Marshall II between his widow, Anna Nicole Smith, and his blood relatives: “In their most compelling argument, attorneys for the family point out that most valid wills don’t include a centerfold.”

Ray, on Rush Limbaugh’s new line of ties: “They capture him perfectly--very wide, extremely loud.”

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Nancy, the 4-year-old daughter of Whittier reader Perry McGee’s neighbor, went into her mom’s kitchen to angrily report that a playmate, Eugene, had hit her. Knowing that such stories usually have two sides, Mom asked, “What did you do to Eugene?”

“Nothing,” said Nancy, now distressed. “Yet.”