The Ties That Bind Can Also Constrict
* I’d like to reply to some of the old folks who feel neglected by their children when asked to go live in a retirement home (“O.C. Vietnamese Face Dilemma Over Elders,” Aug. 14).
When I was 85 years old, I chose of my own free will to select a retirement home even though my children and grandchildren asked me to come live with them. Why did I make my decision? Because I love my children so dearly I don’t want to be an encumbrance to them. I nursed my husband through an illness and didn’t want my kids to go through such an ordeal.
Can’t older people realize that children have homes of their own, living busy lives without the obligation of an older generation? Then, too, I have a life to live. Although I love to visit my kids and grandkids and am welcomed lovingly and graciously, I’m glad to get back to my own apartment of quiet for awhile.
I’m sure the reason the children love me so much is because they don’t have me under their feet all day.
MADELINE RIDGWAY
Stanton
* The article on the life of the elderly Vietnamese in Orange County discloses the dilemma that, to varying degrees, faces all overseas Vietnamese. The problem affects not just one but all three generations of them and sometime their neighbors, too. The subtle problem that “we have changed” should have been understood as “we could not cope with change” to maintain a harmonious living that the new free society tolerates.
My mother continues to wash by hand and hang her clothes on the balcony to dry the old-fashioned way despite my neighbors’ outcries and my repeated explanation of the area CC&Rs.; She fears the noise of the washing machine and the heat of the dryer. She remains unsure about the function of all the look-alike push buttons around the house and the children could never do her clothes the “right” way.
My kids speak fluent Vietnamese, yet they could not fully understand their grandparents’ ways, values, thinking and their unspoken demand for their absolute obedience. While the grandparents suffer, the grandchildren suffer and the parents suffer. No learning and understanding can compensate for the lifetime of difference and social conflict that surrounds them. They all need each other’s support, yet they silently hurt each other while living together under the same roof. Certain families like mine probably will continue to live together according to the old tradition, against common sense, hoping to reach our goal. By the way, there is hope; my mother recently found a common thing with my kids--they all like pizza.
Culturally oriented housing with clubhouse facilities designed for overnight visitation and regular activities will make the United States resemble the old village life to those elderly who need them. Tony Lam’s effort should be supported.
LONG P. PHAM
Mission Viejo
