LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: China’s expulsion of activist Harry Wu cleared the way for Hillary Rodham Clinton’s unprecedented trip to Beijing. Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein says they expected it from Nancy Reagan, but Washington analysts never thought Hillary would change the White House China patterns.

* Adds comic Jenny Church: “The Chinese tried to warm up relations with Uncle Sam by pitching Wu.”

Meanwhile, in Wyoming, rain kept vacationing President Clinton from hiking with daughter Chelsea. The Cutler Daily Scoop says voters are telling him, “Don’t worry! You can take a hike in ’96.”

* Joe Kevany says the Prez has ordered an updated version of Windows 95. It’s called Curtains 96.

The Postal Service will issue a new stamp saluting women’s suffrage. Comedy writer Jerry Perisho says it’s a 32-cent stamp--but since it’s women you’ll only have to pay 21 cents.

* Adds Bill Williams: “The stamp will be self-sticking--because no man would ever be able to lick one.”

Joan Collins may run for Parliament. “Why not?” says comedy writer Tony Peyser. “People have been saying for years that the British government needs a good face lift.”

Nature’s Recipe recalled some of its dog food because of a tainted-meat scare. Comedy writer Alan Ray says the company is also rethinking its slogan: “Scrotum-lickin’ good!”

Doctors at Massachusetts General Hospital are experimenting with a laser beam to heal burns on pigs. They don’t have all the bugs worked out, says comedy writer Paul Ryan. “So far they have some pigs with great tans--and a lot of extra crispy bacon.”

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Restless Hart: Former Sen. Gary Hart is thinking of running for his old seat. A lot has changed in Washington since he left, says Ray: Members of his party now chase much younger women.

* Adds reader Quay Hays: “I don’t know if he’ll be able to run-- limp is more like it.”

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Cirque du O.J.: The Simpson jury last week broke the record for longest sequestration in California history. Comedy writer Bob Mills says this also marks the longest that Kato Kaelin has held a steady job.

* Ray says lawyers for Mark Fuhrman are defending their client’s disparaging remarks about women by contending that those weren’t actually his words--he was just reading the admissions policy of the Citadel.

* Mills adds that Judge Lance Ito reminded both sides that discovery rules demand the prompt and complete exchange of information--but that does not include sharing of agents or wardrobe personnel.

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L.A. reader Jack Israel’s grandson, David, 3, was with a group of his cousins looking up at the night sky at Catalina’s Descanso Beach. As his grandfather approached, David pointed upward:

“Look, Grandpa,” he said. “There’s the big diaper and the little diaper.”