The New Season Score Card : The Promising Freshman Series Travel From the Outer Limits to the Courtroom and Include a Generous Amount of Copycat Comedies. Stay Tuned for . . .

It’s a dirty job, but You Know Who has to do it.

I have laughed and I have cried while watching premiere episodes of 35 of the 42 new series in the 1995-96 season. Sometimes I have laughed when I was meant to cry and cried when I was supposed to laugh.

Here are some snap conclusions.

* The most alarming development of the new season is the increase in comedies of smart-mouthed little brats with Dutchboy haircuts and lisps. I say wax ‘em.

* Almost as irritating is the growing resumption in comedies of loud “sweetened laughter”--an industry euphemism for a laugh track--when the studio audience doesn’t react to jokes. It’s almost surreal hearing such wild laughter following a line that’s witless. And speaking of witless, what’s with this childish “woo-woo” stuff you keep hearing in comedies in response to kissing or mild sexual innuendo, as if the studio audience were composed of 12-year-olds? Is this sweetened “woo-woo”?

* The most encouraging development is the season itself. Although there’s nothing here that’s provocative, there is a lot that’s pretty good mainstream entertainment.

Series pilots and premieres are not always representative of coming episodes. Yet I would consider returning to at least a third of the series I previewed. I’d circle my calendar for about half a dozen. And one--ABC’s “Murder One”--I wouldn’t think of missing.

After mulling the new season, meanwhile, I have also concluded the following:

If I were a typical character in a new series, I’d be a 27-year-old single male with a 27-year-old single male pal and a 27-year-old single female pal who also would be my male pal’s pal.

Even though our female pal was sexy and perky, and we were heterosexual, our relationship with her would be platonic. Plus, I would live in an apartment that my two pals would enter whenever they wanted and immediately raid the fridge. When we were together by ourselves, we would talk about our favorite subject: ourselves and our social lives.

Now this isn’t rigid. Instead of a threesome, there could be four or five of us. We could be 28 or even 29. And I might even live in a house.

In any event, my pals and I would be inseparable.

Consequently, we would be writing this assessment of the new prime-time season together on a laptop computer--either while sitting in our favorite bar or cafe or while slouching down on a sofa in my place--and having a dialogue something like this:

Me: “I’d rather have a girl on my lap than this computer.”

Pal 1: “A gurk?”

Pal 2: “What’s a gurk?”

Me: “Not gurk, girl.”

Pal 1: “You know a girl named Gurk?”

Pal 2: “Reminds me of a guy I knew named Dirk.”

Pal 1: “Like the actor Dirk Douglas?”

Me: “It’s Kirk.”

Pal 1: “Her boyfriend was Kirk?”

Pal 2: “I think I know the names of my boyfriends.”

Me: “The ones you didn’t like?”

Pal 2: “I once dated a guy named Spike.”

Pal 1: “Mike?”

Me: “No, Spike.”

At this point, there would be some dazzling special effects--an enormous, blinding flash of light, perhaps--and in place of my pals there now would be sitting beside me two pink, pulsating, wagging, giant tongues. After recovering from my shock, I would begin my intriguing quest--each week crisscrossing the United States just ahead of the pursuing, predatory paparazzi --to discover who or what had done this to my pals and why I alone was spared being turned into a tongue.

And who would be playing me? Why, a stand-up comic, of course. Seven new ones (Do any still work in clubs?) have comedies of their own this season.

Yes . . . the composite new fall series.

No doubt reflecting growing interest in Fox’s “The X-Files,” the season features a small galaxy of new dramas rooted in science fiction, and still more that either center on media--usually targeting the scum of the business--or feature media characters. It’s just speculation, but I’d bet that omnipresent coverage of the O.J. Simpson double murder case is what has focused so much of prime time on media story lines, from the tabloid-esque daily paper of “New York News” on CBS to the hyperventilating local newsies of UPN’s “Live Shot.” In fact, you could give the bizarre Simpson trial partial credit for interest in science fiction, too.

And credit gaudy ratings for NBC’s “ER” and ABC’s “NYPD Blue” for this season’s comeback of drama series in prime time. There are 14 newcomers, headed by “Murder One,” in which Steven Bochco follows his initially controversial “NYPD Blue” with what promises to be this season’s most transfixing new series. It’s a legal drama, starring charismatic Daniel Benzali as a criminal defense attorney who in the first episode takes on a high-profile murder case that will extend through the season, keeping viewers guessing about its outcome.

*

Final versions of three CBS dramas--”New York News,” “Courthouse” and “American Gothic”--were not received in time for this column, but a few other new drama series are worth noting. Two of them are the entertainingly escapist science-fiction programs “Nowhere Man” on UPN and “Space: Above and Beyond” on Fox. Another is “The Monroes,” ABC’s hour of heavenly heartache direct from the power chambers of Capitol Hill.

And if you can’t find fun in the trashy triviality of CBS’ relentlessly self-mocking “Central Park West” and its cast of gleaming centerfolds, lighten up on the caffeine.

Yet industry forecasters were right: What’s really something about this season is the number of new comedies about nothing. Rarely has there been a season where so many new shows look and think alike, as a whole slew of them are talking the talk of NBC’s hits “Seinfeld” and “Friends” in hopes of wooing the advertiser-coveted 18-to-49 age group.

Viewers may have trouble keeping these largely look-alike series straight. Their own networks may find them a blur.

Not that this lack of diversity necessarily reflects a crippled creativity. Although you always like to see TV take risks, a well-executed copy is better viewing than a badly executed original concept. Thus, the great irony of this season’s level of replication--high even for an industry that constantly copies itself--is that, as a group, the new comedies are better than average.

Quite a few are at least promising, and several more on ABC are funny enough in spots to make your nose bleed.

Among the latter is ABC’s “Naked Truth,” featuring clowning extraordinaire by Tea Leoni as a photographer for a tabloid. The premiere finds her invading a medical office and triumphantly coming away with the urine sample of Beautiful Person Anna Nicole Smith.

Another initial high achiever is ABC’s “The Drew Carey Show.” One of those coed singles series that should be nicknamed “SeinFriends,” it equips comedian Carey with a trio of pals who amusingly support his offbeat humor. And Thomas Haden Church makes smug insincerity hilarious as a manipulative advertising executive who gets married solely to earn a promotion in Fox’s “Ned and Stacey.”

If these series promise to be among the best of the new season, surely the worst premieres belong to UPN’s sci-fi corpse “Deadly Games,” Fox’s flight-attendant singles comedy “The Crew” and “The Client,” a bloated, lifeless, inane two-hour introduction to a CBS series based on a movie based on a John Grisham bestseller, with JoBeth Williams playing the lawyer character that earned Susan Sarandon an Oscar nomination on the big screen. Lotsa luck.

*

The series most mismatched with its time slot is “Can’t Hurry Love,” a modest CBS comedy set for 8:30 p.m. Mondays--you know, when little kids are watching?--despite its payload of sexually crude dialogue. In one scene, the single protagonist played by Nancy McKeon explains how she can tell apart the two pigeons on her window ledge, whom she has named Bill and Hillary: “Bill’s the one bangin’ the blue jay.”

The series with the most undeserved time slot is NBC’s “Caroline in the City,” the comedy that advertising agency handicappers have called the newcomer most likely to succeed, thanks to its “hammock” placement on Thursday nights at 9:30 between those cosmic hits “Seinfeld” and “ER.” Even “My Mother the Car” would score here.

Although that time slot is no assurance of survival--as “Madman of the People” learned last season when it achieved high ratings but was still canceled after failing to retain enough of its lead-in audience to satisfy NBC--putting “Caroline in the City” there is still a waste. Starring Lea Thompson as a single cartoonist weighing a couple of love interests, “Caroline in the City” is an average comedy that hardly merits the gift of audience numbers it’s getting.

Nor does a series with as much promise as “Murder One” deserve having to face last season’s surprise smash “ER” at 10 p.m. Thursdays in what industry observers are calling the prime-time Matchup of the Century: NBC’s doctors vs. ABC’s lawyers, with CBS’ journalists (“48 Hours”) standing by for leftovers.

Just as ABC is gambling that “Murder One” will be competitive against “ER,” Bochco is gambling that viewers will be attracted to a legal series whose major payoff will not come for months.

The new CBS series “Dweebs” pays off immediately. Not in laughs--it’s only moderately funny--but in usable info about the vast cyberspace of the Internet and everything else in the universe of computers that many of us find baffling. A comedy about social nerds who work at a software company, it clears at least a small path through computerdom’s jungle of techno-lingo.

Already, I feel smarter. So now my 27-year-old pals and I can trade our laptop for something more sophisticated in order to finish our new-season piece before the final credits while still having time to schmooze about our social lives.

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How the New Season Will Unfold

Here’s a day-by-day schedule of how the networks’ 1994-95 fall season will unfold, with new series in italics:

Saturday, Sept. 9

“Martin”, Fox: 8 p.m. “The Preston Episodes” , Fox : 8:30 p.m.

“Cops”, Fox: 9 p.m.

“America’s Most Wanted”, Fox: 9:30 p.m.

Sept. 10

“Pinky & the Brain” , WB : 7 p.m.

“Simon” , WB : 8:30 p .m.

“Cleghorne!” , WB : 9 p.m.

“First Time Out” , WB : 9:30 p.m.

Monday, Sept. 11

“Melrose Place”, Fox: 8 p.m.

“Bless This House” , CBS : 8:30 p.m.

“Partners” , Fox : 9 p.m.

“Ned and Stacey” , Fox : 9:30 p.m.

Sept. 12

“The Jeff Foxworthy Show” , ABC : 8:30 p.m.

“Coach”, ABC: 9:30 p.m.

“The Monroes” , ABC : 10 p.m.

Wednesday, Sept. 13

“Ellen”, ABC: 8 p.m.

“Beverly Hills, 90210”, Fox: 8 p.m.

“The Drew Carey Show” ABC : 8:30 p.m.

“Dave’s World” CBS: ,8:30 p.m.

“Central Park West” CBS : 9 p.m.

“Grace Under Fire”, ABC: 9 p.m.

“The Naked Truth” , ABC : 9:30 p.m.

“Courthouse” , CBS : 10 p.m.

“PrimeTime Live”, ABC: 10 p.m.

Thursday, Sept. 14

“Charlie Grace” , ABC : 8 p.m.

Friday, Sept. 15

“Strange Luck” , Fox : 8 p.m.

“Maybe This Time” , ABC : 9:30 p.m.

“20/20”, ABC: 10 p.m.

Saturday, Sept. 16

“Brotherly Love” , NBC : 9 p.m.

“Minor Adjustments” , NBC : 9:30 p.m.

Sept. 17

“60 Minutes”, CBS: 7 p.m.

“America’s Funniest Home Videos”, ABC: 7 p.m.

“Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman”, ABC: 8 p.m.

“Cybill”, CBS: 8 p.m.

“The Simpsons”, Fox: 8 p.m.

“Almost Perfect” , CBS : 8:30 p.m.

“John Grisham’s The Client” , CBS : 9 p.m.

“Married ... With Children”, Fox: 9 p.m.

Monday, Sept. 18

“The Nanny”, CBS: 8 p.m.

“The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”, NBC: 8 p.m.

“Can’t Hurry Love” , CBS : 8:30 p.m.

“In the House”, NBC: 8:30 p.m.

“Murphy Brown”, CBS: 9 p.m.

“If Not for You” , CBS : 9:30 p.m.

“Chicago Hope”, CBS: 10 p.m.

“The Marshall”, ABC: 10 p.m.

Sept. 19

“Roseanne”, ABC: 8 p.m.

“Wings”, NBC: 8 p.m.

“NewsRadio”, NBC: 8:30 p.m.

“Home Improvement”, ABC: 9 p.m.

“Frasier”, NBC: 9 p.m.

“Pursuit of Happiness” , NBC : 9:30 p.m.

“Hudson Street,” , ABC : 9:30 p.m.

“Murder One” , ABC : 10 p.m.

“Dateline NBC”, NBC: 10 p.m.

Wednesday, Sept. 20

“seaQuest 2032”, NBC: 8 p.m.

“Law & Order”, NBC: 10 p.m.

Thursday, Sept. 21

“Murder, She Wrote”, CBS: 8 p.m.

“Friends”, NBC: 8 p.m.

“The Single Guy” , NBC : 8:30 p .m.

“Seinfeld”, NBC: 9 p.m.

“Caroline in the City” , NBC : 9:30 p.m.

“ER”, NBC: 10 p.m.

“48 Hours”, CBS: 10 p.m.

Friday, Sept. 22

“Family Matters”, ABC: 8 p.m.

“Dweebs” , CBS : 8 p.m.

“Boy Meets World”, ABC: 8:30 p.m.

“The Bonnie Hunt Show” , CBS : 8:30 p.m.

“Step by Step”, ABC: 9 p.m.

“Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper”, ABC: 9:30 p.m.

“Picket Fences”, CBS: 9 p.m.

“The X-Files”, Fox: 9 p.m.

“American Gothic” , CBS : 10 p.m.

Saturday, Sept. 23

“Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman”, CBS: 8 p.m.

“Touched by an Angel”, CBS: 9 p.m.

“Walker, Texas Ranger”, CBS: 10 p.m.

“JAG” , NBC : 8 p.m.

“Sisters”, NBC: 10 p.m.

Sunday, Sept. 24

“Space: Above and Beyond” , Fox : 7 p.m.

“Mad About You”, NBC: 8 p.m.

“Hope & Gloria”, NBC: 8:30 p.m.

Wednesday, Sept. 27

“Party of Five”, Fox: 9 p.m.

Thursday, Sept. 28

“New York News” , CBS : 9 p.m.

Saturday, Sept. 30

“The John Larroquette Show”, NBC: 9 p.m.

“The Home Court” , NBC : 9:30 p.m.

Oct. 1

“Too Something” , Fox : 8:30 p.m.

“Misery Loves Company” , Fox : 9:30 p.m.

Friday, Oct. 20

“Unsolved Mysteries”, NBC: 8 p.m.

“Homicide: Life on the Street”, NBC: 10 p.m.

Oct. 24

“NYPD Blue”, ABC: 10 p.m.