LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Comic Jenny Church, on Gov. Pete closing his Iowa operation: “They put up signs in the window: Campaign Close-Out Special: Every Principle Must Go!” and “All Sales of Influence Final!”

Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on the Dalai Lama visiting Washington: “When Democrats were told to prepare for the arrival of a smooth-talking Buddhist mystic, a lot of them freaked. They thought Jerry Brown had decided to run for President again.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Barbra Streisand criticizing Sen. Bob Dole for being cold, insensitive and anti-Semitic: “He replied that she’s a great singer, but that’s not enough for her. She won’t get off his back until he says she’s a great director.”

Comedy writer Dave Margolis, on Dole insisting he won’t compromise in his English-only fight: “He says he’s going for the whole enchilada.”

Jay Leno, on Gen. Colin Powell saying in his book that he has not heard the calling a successful politician must hear: “Here is my question: If Colin Powell didn’t hear it, how the hell did Sonny Bono?”

Church, on a federal judge ruling that the $4.23-billion settlement of a class-action lawsuit over breast implants was too small: “He ordered it increased by one full cup size.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “The defense refused to rest, saying it has ‘some startling evidence relating to the case.’ Defense evidence that actually relates to this case? That would be startling.” (Steve Tatham)

* “Johnnie Cochran said he could not rest ‘in good conscience’ without describing Mark Fuhrman’s absence to the jury. Judge Ito overruled him, saying defense lawyers have no conscience.” (Tony Peyser)

* “Ito allowed the trial to proceed, citing California’s famous ‘beating a dead horse’ rule.” (Bob Mills)

* “On Monday, the Dream Team wore matching ties from Ghana. With a few more drinks, it would’ve been identical tattoos from San Pedro.” (Gary Easley)

* “Prosecutors showed pictures of Simpson wearing gloves during a Bengals playoff game. Jurors were stunned with disbelief: The Bengals in the playoffs? “ (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Just when you think the trial has reached the end of the road, it turns out to be just a rest stop.” (Pearlstein)

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Emmy, Part II: Among David Letterman’s Top 10 excuses “The Late Show” didn’t win an Emmy:

* LAPD crime lab mixed up the ballots.

* CBS’ bribe check bounced.

* Judge didn’t want to hear another one of my speeches about the plight of Tibet.

* Did away with our old category: Shows That Suck Big-Time.

* Judges sickened by astonishing number of times my name appears in Packwood diaries.

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When reader Carolyn C. Nethery’s son Neal was 4, the family stopped during a trip to see the Grand Canyon. As they walked up to the edge, Neal looked down, then up at his dad, and said:

“Who dug it?”