LAUGH LINES : PUNCHLINES

In the news: David Letterman, on President Clinton and Vice Al President Gore getting stranded by snow for three hours Thursday in Colorado: “At least that’s the story they agreed to tell Hillary.”

Comedy writer Steve Tatham, on Clinton bailing out L.A. County’s health-care system: “He spends so much time here, he felt he had to--for the next time he feels our pain.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the resignation of White House counsel Abner Mikva: “The President said Mikva brought uncompromising integrity to the job. So, he had to go.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on Dan Quayle heading the Campaign America organization and working to help 1996 GOP presidential candidates: “Or, in the case of Pete Wilson’s campaign, notifying next of kin.”

* Adds comedy writer Alan Ray: “Security for Gov. Pete’s faltering campaign has even been altered. Secret Service agents now spend their time checking the aisles at rallies for loose change.”

Cutler, on Sunday’s performance by Roger Clinton at the Richard Nixon presidential library: “It was part of the library’s ‘There Are Worse Things Than Watergate’ series.”

Jay Leno, on Thursday’s 102nd anniversary of the first U.S.-built, gas-powered car being driven: “It was a big day for inventors. While the first car was being test-driven, salesmen were back in the showroom inventing dealer prep, destination charges, undercoating and cheap floor mats.”

Leno, on the smuggler caught at Kennedy Airport with almost $20,000 packed in condoms in his stomach: “The really disgusting part was watching him try to make bail.”

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Joe is on a luxury cruise when he encounters an old high school classmate. Seizing the fellow’s hand, he says, “Hello, Bob, I haven’t seen you in years. What are you doing these days?”

“I’m practicing law,” whispers Bob, “but please don’t tell my mother. She thinks I’m still a pimp.”

--Wade A. Mansur, Brea

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Cirque du O.J.: Among the Top 10 ways you can tell the trial is winding down, according to Letterman:

* Marquee in front of L.A. courthouse says, “Coming Soon: The Menendez Brothers.”

* Defense’s latest exhibit: a potato chip that kinda looks like Nixon.

* Dick Clark leading crowd outside courthouse counting down, “10 . . . 9 . . . 8. . . .”

* Alibi writer hired by Johnnie Cochran has returned to job at Comedy Central.

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El Segundo reader Eric Lee attended a puppet show recently with daughter MacKenzie, 3, who became overly concerned with other children not adhering to the announced rules. When she was told that she should spend a little more time worrying about herself and a little less time worrying about others, she exclaimed:

“I can’t do that. That would be selfish.”