LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Cirque du O.J.: “Is Johnnie Cochran slick? He’s the Exxon Valdez.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Now that Johnnie has shown what he looks like in a knit cap, I’d like to see what he looks like knitting a believable defense.” (Steve Tatham)

* “Cochran said this is not an episode of ‘Murder She Wrote.’ Of course not, in that show, the celebrity guest star is always innocent.” (Jay Leno)

* “Cochran said ‘Murder, She Wrote’ wouldn’t accept the prosecution’s theory. But then he admitted that the defense theory has been sold to ‘That’s Incredible.’ ” (Brad Halpern)

* “Marcia Clark said that O.J. is the only person on the planet who could have committed these crimes. And then Cochran argued, ‘Yes, but there are eight other planets.’ ” (Leno)

* “In early drafts of his closing statement, Cochran did not plan to quote Frederick Douglass. Originally, he planned to quote former TV host Mike Douglas.” (Tony Peyser)

* “Some observers equated Cochran’s summation to a preacher. He later cemented that impression by passing around a collection plate.” (Peyser)

* “Cochran called his summation a ‘Journey Towards Justice.’ That journey wouldn’t be anything like a Bronco heading toward the Mexican border, would it?” (Cutler)

* “Cochran says acquitting O.J. would send the police a message. Yeah, cops aren’t above the law, but former football players are.” (Peyser)

* “Steve and Candace Garvey were in the courtroom Wednesday, where he swore to her that he didn’t father Baby Justice.” (Cutler)

Slogans considered and rejected by Cochran before settling on “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit”:

* “If you’re gullible and easily pliant, you’re the perfect juror for my client.” (Paul Ecker)

* “Detectives Lange, Fuhrman and Vanatter; I’ve served them to you on a silver platter.” (Ecker)

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In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on LAPD Chief Willie L. Williams dropping his $10-million suit against the city: “He picked up his chips after lawyers told him his odds of winning were 50-1.”

* Adds Peyser: “Williams also announced that he no longer would accept freebies from Caesars Palace. In the future, he said, he will only take comps from the Mirage.”

Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on the University of Alabama placing a sheet over a statue that displayed both male and female sex features: “It was on loan from the J. RuPaul Getty Museum.”

Leno, on scientists saying a virtual reality headset will one day allow you to feel like you are actually on the baseball field with players: “That sounds pretty dangerous to me. If you are watching an Angels game, you could wind up choking to death.”

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Huntington Beach readers Don and Diane Leavey were sitting in the emergency room with son Greg, then 8, after he had broken his foot while jumping off a roof, using an umbrella as a parachute. They asked Greg if he had learned anything from the experience.

“Next time,” he replied, “I’ll use a bigger umbrella.”