Ban on Just Beards? Here’s a Plan for the Hair and Now

The Anaheim Convention Center is threatening to fire employees with beards. In other words, Lance Ito can preside over the O.J. Simpson trial, but he couldn’t direct traffic at the Convention Center.

The ban on facial hair (with the exception of neatly trimmed mustaches) apparently has been on the books for a long time but not enforced. Now, officials have decided to revive it. Naturally, some employees won’t like the policy, but there are always a few sour apples in any barrel.

Whenever I read about policies like this, I try to imagine what inspired the burst of managerial genius. Were they sitting around one day, mulling over ways to improve Convention Center policy, when suddenly someone sat bolt upright and exclaimed, “Aha, the missing link!”

If I ran the Convention Center, I wouldn’t fool around. Here’s what my grooming policy would sound like:

Dear Valued Employee:

Listen up. When the public looks at you, they don’t want to see some mutt staring back at them. They want to see a class act.

First off, we all know that employees perform better with clean-shaven faces. Let people see who you are. Let ‘em see that big smile of yours. What are you trying to hide behind that beard? Whatsamatter, you ashamed of yourself?

There’s nothing more distracting to the public than to deal with someone who can’t groom his own beard. You all know what I mean. Just think of the really bad beards out there--uneven clumps of hair, maybe eight different colors, meandering all over the place. It’s annoying. Keep in mind the public is paying your salary; they shouldn’t have to look at that. You have a crummy beard, it reflects on all of us. People are likely to say, “If their employees can’t even manage their own beards, how can we expect the city to manage its affairs?”

And that leads to the worst part of all. Have you ever known anyone who could keep his lunch out of his beard? Imagine a businessman showing up at the center, and he stops and asks you for directions, and while you’re talking all he sees is that big chunk of chicken salad stuck in your beard. He’s going to lose all track of what you tell him.

OK, that’s enough about beards. Let’s move on to nasal hair. Good grief, let’s use some common sense here. Some of you people look like you’re planting things in there. We’re talking shrubbery with some of you people. ‘Nuff said.

But in a similar vein, let’s pay a little more attention to those things on the side of our heads, shall we? Yes, I’m talking about your ears. They’re part of the total facial package that is our first contact with the public.

The ears section is a new addition to our grooming handbook. We’re putting it in this year because it’s increasingly come to our attention that many of you don’t think much about them. Let’s face it, some of you have more hair in your ears than you do in your mustaches.

We’re still working on the numbers, but for now let’s try to keep the hairs to no more than one-sixteenth of an inch in length and clumped no more thickly than six per square millimeter of gross lobe space. So when you see the notation in your handbook, “6/ml (GLS),” you’ll know what we’re talking about. Any more than that and we’re going to ask you to go in there and clear them out. By the way, for you guys with the real thick black hair, divide those figures by two.

Which brings me to another first-timer in the handbook. Surprisingly, it represents our largest percentage increase in the number of customer complaints: the eyebrows.

How about applying some muscle to those tweezers, people? Hummingbirds could light on some of the strands you’re sporting. We’re talking handlebars, for Pete’s sake. Here, we’re going with a strict length requirement: anything over three-quarters of an inch, and it’s got to go. And we’re asking that there be at least a half-inch separation for you guys whose eyebrows tend to meet in the middle above your nose. That only affects a small percentage of you, so it shouldn’t be a big problem.

That’s it for the updated grooming policy. Should any of these conditions be too much for you to handle alone, we’ll provide a manicurist.

As always, we respect your professionalism and welcome your comments. Let us know, for example, how you feel about some of the hairdos you see on your fellow employees. No need to give us your name; just drop your ideas in the Employee Suggestion Box.

Thanks for your cooperation.

Remember, we all have the same goal: a better-looking Anaheim.

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Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by writing to him at The Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or calling (714) 966-7821.