LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Cirque du O.J.: “Soon to be heard at a local Denny’s: ‘Hey Garcetti, two coffees to table 4B.’ ” (David Gee)

* “The O.J. jurors said they’d be ready to make a decision on the Menendez brothers trial by tomorrow.” (Paul Ryan)

* “Kato Kaelin strolled into the celebration at O.J.’s mansion and excitedly asked Johnnie Cochran, ‘So, are we going to appeal?’ ” (Arni De La Paz)

* “The jurors weren’t too sad about leaving each other. They knew they’ll soon meet again at the ‘new releases’ table at Super Crown.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “O.J.’s planned morning news conference had to be postponed. Because of the late-night celebrating, he’s resting up . . . no, he’s chipping golf balls . . . no, he’s packing his bags.” (Paul Ecker)

*

In the news: Cutler Daily Scoop, on Lyle Menendez not wanting TV coverage for his retrial: “He realizes that the acting is always worse in a sequel.”

Ryan, on back surgery that has kept Chief Justice William Rehnquist away from Supreme Court duties: “It had to be fixed. The problem was so bad that it had caused the entire court to lean to the right.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the Elks Lodge admitting women for the first time in 127 years: “Of course, the eligibility is still somewhat restrictive. You must be a graduate of the Citadel.”

Dino Londis, on the new $100 bill: “The old bills will still be honored, and will still hold their same value of about $65.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Julia Roberts’ upcoming role as “Poison Ivy” in “Batman IV”: “She’ll get $6 million, a percentage of the gross and a lifetime supply of calamine lotion.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen, who’ll wed Saturday: “Their next-door neighbor on Martha’s Vineyard is Alan Dershowitz. Any time they want him to come out and say ‘hi,’ they just tap their car bumpers in the driveway.”

*

Business briefs: Comedy writer Paul Steinberg, on IBM hiring the president of Boston Chicken as its new chief strategist: “Next time IBM lays an egg, it’ll at least have someone who knows what to do with it.”

Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on the GOP plan to allow private firms to assist the IRS: “For example, instructions for how to prepare for an audit could be written by the folks at Preparation H.”

Ray, on the Dial soap company’s plan to lay off 700 workers because of slumping sales: “The termination notices were kind of tacky: Aren’t you glad you use Dial. Don’t you wish everybody did? “

*

Canoga Park reader Ann Bonnor’s grandson, Ryan, a fourth-grader, was studying family heritage, and his teacher asked the students to bring in memorabilia and antiques pertaining to their backgrounds. Ryan raised his hand and asked:

“Can I bring in my grandmother.”