LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Gov. Pete Wilson signed a bill requiring fluoridation of California’s drinking water. Comedy writer Jerry Perisho says this will keep children’s teeth from decaying the way Wilson’s presidential campaign did, and adds that an additive is being sought to combat moral decay.

* Noting the John Birch Society’s claim that fluoride in the water will make us “moronic and atheistic,” Perisho adds: “The water fountains in Congress must really be pumping the stuff.”

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As boxing promoter Don King’s mail-fraud trial begins, comedy writer Tony Peyser says prosecutors have gone through every detail of their case with a fine-tooth comb--except the defendant’s hair.

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The launch of the space shuttle Columbia was postponed again because of a computer failure. Says comedy writer Argus Hamilton: “The astronauts feel terrible. They never should have tried to install Windows 95 so close to lift-off.”

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Since the Republican-dominated Congress cut the Internal Revenue Service’s budget, comedy writer Bob Mills says taxpayers can expect reductions in personnel and services, including:

* New 1040-A forms printed on the backs of pizza discount coupons;

* Audits conducted during IRS-sponsored Tupperware parties;

* Delinquent accounts collected by Kmart security guards;

* Do-it-yourself dunning letters that read:

“Dear Taxpayer: You are a (check one):

Deadbeat

Tax cheat

Lying chiseler

All of the above

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As the baseball playoffs get under way, the Cutler Daily Scoop says the National League is denying rumors that Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott asked Mark Fuhrman to throw out the first pitch.

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Paul Ecker says that when the Pope visited Baltimore’s Camden Yards ballpark, he was asked which is his favorite baseball team. “The Angels,” he replied. “But even I couldn’t help them this year.”

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And Then There Were . . . : Sen. Sam Nunn is the latest Democrat to announce that he’s retiring from Congress. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Guess you can only take Pat Moynihan singing ‘Danny Boy’ so many times.”

* Adds comedy writer Russ Myers: “After the revelations about Robert Packwood and Mel Reynolds, it’s clear that Congress is no place to be a Nunn.”

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Dr. Benjamin Silverman says granddaughter Allie, 5, was auto-touring Catalina Island with her parents and little brother the day after a rocky boat trip. At stop after stop the kids were hauled out to see all the beautiful and interesting things. Finally, Allie protested, “I’m seasick!” Her dad asked how that could be, since she had been off the boat for more than a day.

“I’m sick of seeing things,” she replied.