These Names Are Deserving of Questions

T he following news will be announced any day now. Any week now. Any year now :

The Atlanta Trojans and Cleveland Wildcats will begin play in baseball’s World Series this weekend, following an emergency-session act of Congress making it illegal to use team nicknames that slur an entire race of people.

“Don’t we have enough of that kind of trouble in this nation already?” asked Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, Johnnie Cochran, Marlon Brando and Larry King in a joint statement.

“Just wait until we get through with that Washington football team.”

The baseball world expressed shock that two such long-standing franchises have been forced to adopt new names, mere hours before meeting for a World Series championship.

“I’m shocked,” expressed an executive of the team formerly known as the Braves.

“However, this in no way means that our fans will stop coloring our faces with war paint, wearing feathered headdresses, chopping foam-rubber tomahawks or singing make-believe Indian war chants, because this is a free country, which means that we can mock, imitate, humiliate or ridicule anybody we damn well please.”

His emotion was seconded by a representative of the former Cleveland Indians, who proposed that any Indian who was unhappy about this could leave America and go back where he came from.

A spokesman for the NFL Washington Redskins had this to say:

“OK, so we use the R-word. So what?

“This great country of ours guarantees us the right to call anybody anything, same way it guarantees Cleveland the right to stick a grinning, wahooing, red-faced Indian on every shirt and cap, and don’t you forget it!”

“This isn’t the least bit insulting. OK, so some guy sits in the Cleveland bleachers, beating on a tom-tom. He means it in a good way.

“Next, you’ll want Indianapolis to change its name to just plain Apolis.”

While awaiting the outcome of the American League championship series, thousands of Caucasians passed the time in Atlanta by rehearsing their ayyyyy-oh-a-oh-ay tribal war chant.

Georgians registered outrage at the Congressional decision to eliminate the team names, Indians and Braves.

“I’m outraged,” registered one woman.

“Yes, we oppress minorities, but in a good way,” her husband added.

The newspaper USA Today is expected to report the results of a nation wide reader poll, showing that 33% of Americans are in favor of getting rid of the names Indians and Braves, 33% are opposed to getting rid of these names and 34% are in favor of getting rid of USA Today.

Meanwhile, a minor league player of Native American heritage said today he would refuse a promotion to the majors, should it be to a team named Indians or Braves.

“May I ask you something?” he asked.

“Do you believe Hideo Nomo would have come here to play baseball if his team had been called the Los Angeles Japanese?”

The player inquired what Nomo would have thought of a baseball uniform that pictured a grinning Asian face.

He added, “How do you think Fernando Valenzuela would have liked playing for the Los Angeles Mexicans?

“How do you think Raul Mondesi would like playing for the Los Angeles Dominicans?

“How do you think Tom Lasorda and Mike Piazza would like being with Los Angeles Italians? Or, perhaps some synonym for Italian.

“All week long, I have been reading about ‘Indian pitcher Dennis Martinez.’ ‘Indian right-hander Dennis Martinez.’

“Martinez is from Nicaragua. How do you think Dennis would like playing for the Cleveland Nicaraguans?

“Try that on for size.

“The winning pitcher was ‘Nicaraguan right-hander Orel Hershiser.’ ”

Radio talk-show hosts throughout America have been outspoken on this subject, many saying that the names Indians and Braves don’t bother them one bit, mainly because they have never met a real Indian or Brave. They also announced that one phone line had just opened up, for any Native American calling in on his car phone.

A newspaper columnist wrote that he was Irish, but didn’t want Notre Dame changing its name to the Fighting Human Beings.

“All right, so we Irish aren’t an oppressed minority. But we still think that Lucky Charms cereal commercial is really funny.”

Protesters are expected in Atlanta and Cleveland this week, demanding that the vulgar, offensive, intolerant, outdated, unfeeling nicknames be restored.

A state government official declined comment before Game 1 here, saying he was too busy trying to find that Confederate flag of his.