LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Stephanie Miller, on Queen Elizabeth’s first commercial flight: “I guess everything went smoothly until the queen ordered that the little kid behind her, who kept kicking her seat the whole flight, be beheaded.”

Jenny Church, on the Canadian broadcaster, posing as that country’s prime minister, who fooled the queen into chatting with him on the phone: “She finally realized it was a hoax when the guy asked if she had Prince Albert in a can.”

Jay Leno, on the drunk investment banker arrested after defecating on a service cart during a United Airlines flight: “His lawyer is now trying to plea-bargain it down from a No. 2 to a No. 1.”

Argus Hamilton, on David Brinkley saying his new book about his 50 years in Washington may not sell well because it doesn’t have any sex in it: “What did he do, skip the Kennedy years?”

Tony Peyser, on the four UC Irvine students calling off a 15-day hunger strike in support of affirmative action: “Their demands weren’t met, but they were happy that they’re now fitting into clothes they haven’t worn since high school.”

Steve Tatham, on the new study that reveals that eating fish can prevent heart attacks: “Somebody forgot to tell Boris Yeltsin that it’s eating fish, not drinking like one.”

Kenny Noble, on the O.J./Paula Barbieri relationship ending: “She dropped him like a two-foot putt.”

Paul Steinberg, on Ticketmaster launching a new entertainment magazine: “The cover price is only $1.95. But by the time you finish paying all the service charges, it will cost you about 20 bucks.”

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Pick Your Punchline: Cutler Daily Scoop, on President Clinton saying America is “on a roll”:

1. Does everything have to be food with this guy?

2. Yeah, the rich folks are making the bread.

3. He’s just trying to butter up voters.

4. A roll spread with malaise?

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Grant’s Tomb . . . Among the questions on the test that showed that less than half of American high school seniors have a basic knowledge of history:

* Within 10, how many lovers did JFK have while he was President?

* When was the last time Nancy Reagan bought off the rack?

* Harry Truman said, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.” What color apron was he wearing at the time?

* When was the last time Bob Dole didn’t look constipated? (Cutler)

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When daughter Iris, 2 1/2, complained of a stomachache, Panorama City reader Jeorgina Garcia’s regular solutions didn’t seem to alleviate it. Finally, Iris asked if Mom was taking her to the doctor. When Mom said yes, Iris’ eyes lit up as she responded:

“I would like to go see Dr. Seuss.”