LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

The shutdown, Part I . . . Many positions in the Clinton White House are being filled by interns.

* “Great! Let’s put our nation’s fate in the hands of some guys who think an international crisis means running out of Heineken.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “How exciting for those kids. One day they’re bingeing on fast food and having panty raids. The next, they’re learning from the master.” (Dave Margolis)

* “The President’s new staff is a bunch of 19-year-old college girls. No wonder he won’t compromise.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “Everyone is wondering whether a bunch of smart-aleck, snotty-nosed college prima donnas can really do the job. I guess we’ll find out after those volunteers leave.” (Bob Mills)

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Part II . . . “The U.S. government is so broke that NASA has aimed the Hubble telescope back at Earth just to look for spare change.” (Jay Leno)

* “Wives of bureaucrats sent home are going crazy. They’re forced to get three competitive bids, sign 59-page requisition forms and go to a minority-owned market just to buy milk.” (Paul Ryan)

* “The President refused to sign the GOP budget bill, heatedly insisting that he doesn’t care if he goes to 5% in the polls. Such an increase, however, seems unlikely.” (Jenny Church)

* “Clinton sat down with Newt Gingrich, and long-term observers were very, very surprised that they both fit in the same room.” (David Letterman)

* “Clinton, Newt and Bob Dole have been arguing all week long. It’s always the same old fight. They can never agree who gets to be Moe.” (Hamilton)

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Also in the news: Margolis, on “Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls” being the top-rated movie in America, even though it is filled with absurdity, juvenile antics and crude sexual references: “Makes you wonder why Congress isn’t more popular.”

Cutler, on the guy arrested for allegedly planning to blow up buildings saying his lawyer is Jesus Christ: “Hey, that’s no more ridiculous than O.J. saying his lawyer was Robert Kardashian.”

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Cirque du O.J. . . . Ryan, on Johnnie L. Cochran’s big book deal: “It will be titled ‘My Journey to Justice.’ So, when does the trip start?” (Ryan)

Mills, on Marcia Clark telling a women’s conference that her every move during the trial was analyzed, criticized and second-guessed by people who had little or no trial experience: “But that’s all she had to say about D.A. Gil Garcetti.”

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Pasadena reader Karen Jenney was tucking daughter Hayley, 6, into bed when the child abruptly knelt by the bed and said she wanted to “say her blessings.” Since Jenney had never taught Hayley to pray, she asked the girl where she had learned it. Hayley matter-of-factly replied:

“On ‘Ren & Stimpy.’ ”