LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

These are the holidays. When bad things happen to good turkeys.

-- Tom Adams

In the beginning . . . “We learned in school that the Pilgrims were a serious people who wore their belt buckles on their hats.” (Adams)

* “Historical documents proved that not all the Pilgrims and Native Americans sat down together for that first Thanksgiving dinner. A couple had to eat at a card table.” (Alan Ray)

* “The Pilgrims served turkey, because Miles Standish burned the lasagna.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “The Pilgrims invited the Native Americans so they wouldn’t have to go to their crazy Aunt Edna’s. Her cooking put the grim in Pilgrim.” (Cutler)

* “Historians say that one Native American woman left offended from that first Thanksgiving dinner. No one touched her maize casserole.” (Ray)

* “Just think: If the Pilgrims had come to America this year, they’d be sitting down with the Native Americans for Thanksgiving keno.” (Russ Myers)

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Surgeon General’s Warning: “The No. 1 source of indigestion at Thanksgiving dinner again this year will be your relatives.” (Ray)

* “My wife burned the turkey so bad last year that to identify it, we had to get its dental records.” (Gags Gang)

* “Tupperware is introducing a new line of merchandise for Thanksgiving. The containers not only burp, they also loosen their belts and fall asleep in front of the TV.” (Gary Easley)

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L.A. story: “A haggard man stopped me Thanksgiving eve and asked if I could spare something for a turkey. So I gave him $10. I found out later that he went to see ‘Waterworld.’ ” (Bob DeVinney)

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Speaking of stuffed . . . “President Clinton will show off the White House turkey this afternoon. He’s real proud of his foreign policy.” (Ray)

* “Jesse Helms, Strom Thurmond and The Newt plan to toast President Clinton today with iced tumblers of their favorite cocktail: Southern Discomfort with a splash of Whitewater.” (Bob Mills)

* “Let us give thanks for our national debt. Like our holiday turkey, it’s plump, has loads of gravy and tons of leftovers.” (Kenny Noble)

MILLS’ SPECIAL GOP THANKSGIVING DRESSING

Combine:

3 cups boiled-down Medicare benefits

1 cup creamed government social programs

2 cups chopped welfare payments.

Add:

6 crumpled Gramm crackers

4 Dole pineapple slices

1 T. ground Gingrich

Mix well, and stuff it!

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And finally . . . “Thanksgiving is a time when we search for answers to life’s important questions. Such as, who is this Mrs. Cubbison, anyway?” (Dave Margolis)