LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Cutler Daily Scoop, on President Clinton in Ireland: “He’s still a little shaky on this foreign policy thing. Asked what he thought should be done with the IRA, he said he didn’t know, that ‘Hillary takes care of all our financial stuff.’ ”

Argus Hamilton, on the president promising the British Parliament that he would name the next U.S. battleship after Winston Churchill: “It would have been an aircraft carrier, but Clinton had to promise that last month to Colin Powell.”

Douglas Mortenson, on Republicans agreeing to the president’s troop deployment to Bosnia: “They had one condition. The troops have to be back in time to help him move.”

Alex Pearlstein, on warm temperatures and drought ruining Sierra Nevada skiing: “It’s gotten so bad that resort officials are considering inviting Newt Gingrich for one of his patented snow jobs.”

Bob Mills, on Rep. Pat Schroeder calling it quits: “It’s not as though the family needs the money. Her son makes plenty appearing in ‘Peanuts.’ ”

Alex Kaseberg, on the U.S. Marine surviving 36 hours in the shark-infested waters of the Arabian Sea: “That’s the longest anyone has survived exposure to sharks since Detective Tom Lange testified at the Simpson trial.”

Paul Ecker, on Long Beach police using golf carts to unsuccessfully search for two robbery suspects at a golf course: “The search will resume today at the course. Police are hoping for a decent tee time.”

Paul Ryan, on the removal of the eagle from the Endangered Species List: “It is now listed as ‘threatened.’ Just like the rest of us.”

Tony Peyser, on GM recalling 470,000 cars and paying an $11-million fine for violating environmental rules: “Trying to put a positive spin on the ruling, GM said, ‘It was the Cadillac of recalls.’ ”

Mortenson, on increasing the speed limit on L.A. freeways: “It’s like your supermarket adding 10 more checkout counters. Who cares? They’ll still only have two lanes open.”

Cutler, on Ann Landers using an ethnic slur to describe the pope: “How many advice columnists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They tell you how to screw it in while they remain in the dark. “

Jerry Perisho, on the Yankees releasing Darryl Strawberry: “At his going-away party, Steve Howe gave him a pin-striped Breathalyzer, and Dwight Gooden presented him with an engraved specimen cup.”

Alan Ray, on the top-ranked Nebraska Cornhuskers: “The players have a lot of pregame rituals. Before a kickoff, they always gather in a huddle and say their Miranda rights.”

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When L.A. reader Carl Buchberg’s daughter Rose, 4, came home from nursery school last week, she had some exciting news:

“Daddy, I know who the president is. It’s Bill Cwinten. And he lives in the White House and the White House is in Washington Disease.”