LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Argus Hamilton, on the tremendous cheering crowds that greeted President Clinton during his tour of London, Belfast, Dublin and Madrid: “Americans smiled knowingly. We fell for him the first time around, too.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on the Newt’s problems with possibly illegal campaign contributions: “He’s like Pig Pen from ‘Peanuts.’ The more you see him, the more dirt he has on him.”

Cutler, on the New York-New England phone company admitting to secretly taping thousands of customer phone calls: “Ma Bell has turned into Big Brother. And she didn’t even have to go to Sweden.”

Jay Leno, on tabloids saying Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, has dropped six dress sizes: “And Princess Di has dropped a pair of riding pants.”

Jimmy McConnell, on the Florida doctor suspended from practicing for six months after he amputated the wrong foot of a man: “Is this a good idea? The guy’s bad enough now. Imagine what he’ll be like when he’s been out of practice.”

Paul Steinberg, on the vice president’s “Beauty and the Beast” costume fiasco: “In an attempt at damage control, Al Gore said that if the costumes had come from the Defense Department, they would have cost 10 times that amount. And they wouldn’t have fit.”

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Ann Slanders? . . . Premiere Morning Sickness, on the columnist referring to the pope with a Polish slur: “She blamed her poor choice of words on advice she got from Dear Abby.”

Among other major mistakes made by Landers, according to David Letterman:

* Frequently refers to Mother Teresa as “that public relations machine.”

* Three years ago gave bad advice to someone called “Miserable at NBC.”

* Advised the Menendez brothers to “confront” their parents.

* Referred “Depressed in Detroit” to Dr. Kevorkian.

* Told “Chubby in Washington” to chase those blues away by sending troops to Bosnia.

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A White House Christmas, by Jenny Church . . .

* “The decor has more than 30 trees and 3,405 ornaments, many of them edible. The fun part is watching President Clinton figure out which ones.”

* “For the national Christmas tree, the First Lady is stringing the lights, the president is stringing the popcorn, and Congress is stringing along the voters.”

* “The White House pastry chef baked a huge gingerbread house, but it was a typical government project. It took tons of dough, and now will just sit around until it crumbles.”

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Mission Viejo reader Steve Hufstedler was helping daughter Shirley with her homework, trying to help her identify things that came from other countries. “For example,” Hufstedler explained, “opera came to us from Italy.” When Shirley asked how to spell opera, 10-year-old Heather spoke up:

“Oh, I know! It’s O-P-R-A-H!”