LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Argus Hamilton, on citizen groups’ complaints about expensive political fund-raising dinners by both parties: “They don’t understand. In Washington, the three basic food groups are cash, check and money order.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on former Sen. Bob Packwood opening a political consulting business on Capitol Hill: “Bob Packwood Political Consulting: for those groping for solutions.”

Alan Ray, on the French transportation strike: “Officials say traffic is moving at an escargot’s pace.”

Jay Leno, on La Jolla researchers saying they have found what they call a “fat switch,” which causes obesity: “Turns out, it is the same switch that turns on the light in the kitchen.”

Joe Kevany, on Ann Landers referring to the pope with a Polish slur: “He forgave her, but as a penance ordered her to say 10 ‘Our Fathers’ and 20 ‘Dear Abbys.’ ”

Leno, on Tammy Faye Messner’s second husband going to jail: “Her first husband, Jim Bakker, went to jail. Do you realize she has sent more guys to prison than the entire L.A. district attorney’s office?”

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Hooray for Hollywood: The producer of “Forrest Gump” has signed Chris Darden to a movie deal:

* “Come to think of it, Forrest probably would have had O.J. try on the glove, too.” (Bob Mills)

* “Darden believes passionately in his work, works long hours for a modest salary and is not impressed by celebrities. I don’t see how he can ever make it in Hollywood.” (Steve Tatham)

* “The movie will be called ‘Abbott and Costello Meet the Keystone Cops at the Bundy Crime Scene.’ ” (Jenny Church)

Alex Pearlstein, on the upcoming Chinese version of “Sesame Street”: “Miss Piggy is upset. Seems the Chinese translation of her name is Miss Mu Shu.”

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A car buyer is particularly impressed with one model, but notices that the radio in it has no buttons or knobs. The salesman explains to the customer that it is voice-activated; all he must do is shout what he wants to hear and the radio will play it.

Taking the car for a test drive, the man decides to try the radio. When he shouts “rock ‘n’ roll,” out blares Pearl Jam. He is impressed, so a short time later he yells “country.” The sounds of Garth Brooks fill the car.

Enjoying the song, he starts to pull on the freeway, but is petrified and furious when a guy cuts him off and almost hits him. “Idiot,” he screams.

In a flash, Howard Stern comes on the radio.

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During a visit from relatives to see the newest family member, Alhambra reader Sally Martinez went into the bedroom to nurse her new son. A 5-year-old niece came into the bedroom and asked what Martinez was doing. When she replied that she was giving the baby milk, the young girl asked:

“Whatcha got in the other one, orange juice?”