LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Say it ain’t so, Joe: Rep. Enid Waldholtz spends nearly five hours explaining finances and her relationship with her estranged husband:

* “She was hoping to talk long enough for the statute of limitations to run out.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “She insists she didn’t marry for money. So, Enid’s going for the insanity defense?” (Jenny Church)

* “After hearing her talk for five straight hours, I don’t know why Joe didn’t go into hiding sooner.” (Steve Tatham)

* “Enid did succeed in eclipsing Buffalo’s record weekend of snow.” (Tatham)

* “She’s the Dan Marino of buck-passing.” (Cutler)

* “Once a lieutenant in the Republican revolution, she’s been busted back to buck private.” (Tony Peyser)

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Also in the news: Paul Ryan, on the frigid East: “It’s so cold that people are tuning in C-SPAN just to get a blast of hot air.”

* Adds Jay Leno: “It was so cold, I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.”

Argus Hamilton, on UCLA coach Terry Donahue resigning to become a CBS analyst: “After 21 years in the public eye, he’d like a little privacy.”

* Adds Paul Ecker: “His first job will be to analyze why CBS moved ‘Murder, She Wrote’ to Thursday.”

Bob Mills, on polls giving Alexander a good chance if Dole’s campaign falters: “Unfortunately, it’s not Lamar. It’s Jason.”

Stan Kaplan, on Watergate “dirty tricks” figure Donald Segretti changing his mind about running for an Orange County judgeship: “Backers advised him against running when he kept saying he wanted to break into politics.”

Hamilton, on Michael Jackson being released from the hospital: “Doctors say there is only one thing separating him from a full recovery. Reality.”

Alan Ray, on Friday’s federal budget deadline: “Bureaucrats are busy preparing for another layoff. This week they’re putting in extra coffee breaks.”

Brad Halpern, on Eric Menendez testifying about what he did in the week before he and brother Lyle killed their parents: “He said he went to McDonald’s, hit some golf balls, took a nap and then showered.”

Leno, on the report that 10 helpings of pizza a week can help prevent prostate problems: “A lot of places are carrying this a little too far. I went into a Pizza Hut over the weekend and the waiter was wearing a rubber glove.”

Jimmy McConnell, on the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists moving its Doomsday Clock up three minutes to 14 minutes before midnight: “That’s the neat thing about living on the West Coast. Here, it’s only 14 minutes before 9.”

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Right after Christmas, several years ago, L.A. reader Bernard Rapkin and daughter Bonnie, then 5, were waiting to be seated in a restaurant when a woman asked the young girl what Santa had brought her for Christmas.

“Oh, I’m not Christmas,” Bonnie replied. “I’m Hanukkah.”