LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Steve Tatham, on President Clinton signing the Bosnian accord in Paris: “All parties agreed: If Hazel O’Leary shows up, she’s fired.”

Argus Hamilton, on The Newt lighting the Capitol Hill Christmas tree: “By the tree were the Three Wise Men, bearing gifts from afar. Newt took their envelopes and told them, ‘Scram, the heat’s on.’ ”

David Letterman, on Hillary Clinton’s crafts talents: “She made a beautiful holiday wreath out of shredded Whitewater documents.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on the president claiming executive privilege for some Whitewater meeting notes: “And you thought that you had to wait until Christmas to see ‘Nixon.’ ”

Jay Leno, on the storm that ravaged Northern California and the Pacific Northwest: “It was so windy that Bigfoot checked into a Holiday Inn.”

Paul Ecker, on LAPD Chief Willie L. Williams’ estimated $250,000 book advance: “Now maybe he’ll be able to pay for a room at Caesar’s Palace.”

Hugh Fink, on the first woman president of the National Rifle Assn.: “And the NRA’s new motto is: ‘Guns don’t kill . . . do I look fat in this?’ ”

Tony Peyser, on Willie Brown’s election as San Francisco mayor: “Voters sent Frank Jordan to the showers, where he was reunited with KLOS deejays Mark and Brian.”

Bob Mills, on the FAA banning outside laser light shows in Las Vegas because of potential danger to pilots: “It also issues a warning to Wayne Newton to reduce the glare from his bald spot.”

Alan Ray, on Christopher Darden teaching law full time: “He lives by one creed: If at first you don’t succeed, sell the screenplay rights.”

Danny Bonaduce, on Madonna wanting to have a baby: “Imagine having Madonna for a parent: Listen, Mom. Next time there’s a PTA meeting, do you think you could wear some pants?”

* Adds Cutler: “Madonna denies that she’s obsessed with sex. Well, if Enid Waldholtz can claim to be a naive wife. . . . “

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Ask Mr. Wizard . . . Joe Kevany, on a new study that says 1-year-olds tend to look like their fathers: “This follows an earlier study that showed 2-year-olds tend to act like their fathers.”

Paul Ryan, on reports that fat lab rats are ruining some experiments and may have to be put on strict diets: “This is going too far. It’s bad enough we dissect them and inject them with disease-causing chemicals. Now they have to eat Jenny Craig’s food?”

Paul Steinberg, on 12 male scientists posing for a new “Studmuffins of Science” calendar: “There is supposed to be some pretty sexy frontal lobe nudity.”

Kevany, on a new life form discovered on the lips of lobsters: “The bad news is that it was discovered at Sizzler.”

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Laguna Beach reader Walt Jacobs’ granddaughter, Mary Frances, 4, struggled with her printing as she composed a letter to Santa. After a few moments, she looked up at her mom and asked:

“Does Santa have a fax?”