LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Alex Pearlstein, on Queen Elizabeth ordering Prince Charles and Princess Diana to divorce: “There might be one problem for the queen. Diana says she wants the house.”

* Adds Tony Peyser: “Diana says she feels really stupid now. For Christmas, she got the queen a ‘World’s Greatest Mother-In-Law’ beer mug.”

David Letterman, on Bill Clinton’s high favorability ratings: “He and his advisors are saying now that if it gets to 60, he’s gonna start dating again.”

Jenny Church, on Hillary Clinton’s January tour to promote her book: “She won’t sign copies. She’s trying to stay away from the pen.”

Argus Hamilton, on the president vetoing a bill to keep the government open, while surrounded by kids: “Using children as a backdrop for his announcements is working. Jerry Lewis just called in and pledged $1,000.”

Jay Leno, on Erik Menendez saying that he was suicidal and really meant to kill himself instead of his parents: “See, the new defense strategy is they are not murderers, they are just really bad shots.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on a judge ruling that the family of Ron Goldman can examine O.J. Simpson’s financial records for its civil suit: “Those are the only O.J. books worth reading.”

Alex Kaseberg, on Johnnie Cochran’s Christmas party: “Apparently, F. Lee Bailey had a little too much to drink and went around asking if anyone wanted to dance, marine to marine.”

Stan Kaplan, on Memorial Health Services’ $87-million offer for an FHP hospital: “The deal is pending to give Memorial time to come up with its $5 co-payment.”

Bob Mills, on effects from the median income for doctors falling to $150,000: “For the first time in decades, civilians are able to get a Wednesday tee time.”

Gary Easley, on a survey naming Kansas City as one of the best places to live: “One drawback is the apparent lack of a decent mental health plan. Word is that they’ve got some crazy little women there.”

*

Ho: Among the things Santa doesn’t want to hear this year, according to David Styffe:

* Your Uncle Jack’s recipe for venison.

* Holier-than-thou lectures about elf abuse.

* The story behind that mess in your chimney.

* Threatening letters from your attorney about the distinctions between naughty and nice.

* One more joke about “batteries not included.”

*

Sandy Banks Robinson of Northridge was helping her three daughters make out lists for Santa, after weeks of reminders that he’d bring nothing to kids who had been behaving badly. While two scribbled away, Danielle, 6, and the hellion of the group, sat quietly looking at her blank piece of paper. Finally, she looked up, her face quite serious, and asked:

“Mom, how do you spell ‘Dear Santa, Please give me another chance.’ ”