Ready for ‘Mr. Whipple: The Movie’?

Hollywood, in its brilliant state of creativity, is on a wave of producing vast numbers of big-screen versions of popular TV series. Much to critics’ dismay (and filmgoers’ delight) everything from “The Addams Family” to “The Brady Bunch” has invaded multiplexes in new incarnations, while the likes of “Sgt. Bilko” and “Mission: Impossible” are waiting in the wings.

Since the rights to most popular TV shows have already been optioned, however, studio market research, showing remarkable ingenuity, has unearthed another fertile field of film ideas: beloved classic commercials. Here are a few current hot properties:

* Glenn Close, Meryl Streep and Shirley MacLaine are all angling for the lead role in “Black Coffee: The Mrs. Olson Story,” wherein the former Folgers pitchwoman is back--this time as a serial poisoner, serving up a killer cup of java. The once friendly Swede is now described as a cross between Eva Braun and Hannibal Lecter.

* Another coffee character comes to feature films in “Bitter Brew: The Juan Valdez Story.” Oliver Stone writes and directs this film, which features a huge conspiracy theory tying the CIA to corrupt Latin American officials and a network of mind-altering coffee houses throughout the United States. Edward James Olmos plays Valdez. Joe DiMaggio has a cameo as Mr. Coffee.

* Woody Allen will try to revive his career by directing and starring in “Mr. Whipple,” the toilet-paper-squeezing grocer in what is described as “a romantic comedy of sexual dysfunction.” Several actresses from “The Joy Luck Club” are being rumored to co-star as Mr. Whipple’s beautiful stepdaughter.

* Two versions of “Josephine the Plumber” are in the works. One, a comedy, will star Rosie O’Donnell with cameos by Oprah Winfrey as Mrs. Butterworth and Kathie Lee Gifford as Betty Crocker. The original Josephine, Jane Withers, will play O’Donnell’s aunt, who suffers from a perpetually backed-up sink. The other is a musical starring k.d. lang, in what’s being called an inspiring feminist parable.

* Meanwhile, Steven Spielberg is prepping another bathroom classic, “The Adventures of the Tidy Bowl Man.” This $60-million production stars Chevy Chase in a role he was born to play and boasts the world’s largest replica toilet as its set.

* Spike Lee will once again direct Denzel Washington in “Brown Rice: The Story of Uncle Ben.” While the details of bringing this famous corporate symbol to life are sketchy, Lee assures that “Uncle Ben will be no Uncle Tom.”

* NBA superstar Shaquille O’Neal will star as the legendary Jolly Green Giant in a rap musical, “Corn on Ice.” O’Neal replaces the previously announced Michael Jackson, who was dropped from the project officially for “makeup reasons,” but actually because it became clear that audiences would be troubled by his relations with the Little Green Sprout.

* Patrick Swayze stars in “Keeps On Ticking,” the John Cameron Swayze story. This opus will chronicle the late Timex spokesman’s life as a broadcaster from the “Camel Calvacade of News” to his legendary commercials. “Seinfeld’s” Michael Richards guest stars as Joe Camel.

* Macaulay Culkin is set to make his directorial debut as well as star in “Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz: The Speedy Alka Seltzer Story,” in which he revives the famous animated character--this time as a crime solver on the trail of international jewel thieves who use food poisoning as their modus operandi.

* Another “Seinfield” star, Jason Alexander, stars as “Poppin’ Fresh, the Pillsbury Doughboy” in a metaphysical quest to find out who belongs to the giant finger that tickles his tummy.

Other projects reportedly in early stages of development include films based on Fruit Pie the Magician, the Helping Hand from Hamburger Helper, Charlie Tuna and McGruff the Crime Dog.