LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Marital moonwalk: Who could have predicted that the connubial bliss of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley wouldn’t last? Yeah, us too:

* “Elvis can stop spinning.” (Bill Stein)

* “She was horrified after his nose spontaneously combusted during a night of burnin’ love.” (Mark De Anda)

* “I guess we can rule out it being another woman.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “The reason cited was irreconcilable sexualities.” (Steve Tatham)

* “Apparently it was a problem that’s destroyed many a marriage--too many nights out with the boys.” (Bob Mills)

* “She says there are irreconcilable differences: ‘When we’d watch TV in bed I never got to see my roller derby because he was always replaying that old movie, “Boys’ Town.” ’ “ (Jerry Perisho)

* “He wears Revlon, she wears Clinique.” (De Anda)

* “They had different interpretations of the phrase I want to have a child.” (Gary Easley)

* “Asked what they used for birth control, Lisa said, ‘His press clippings.’ ” (Perisho)

* “According to divorce lawyers, she’s entitled to half of all the noses Michael acquired.” (Jay Leno)

* “She says he can keep everything if he promises to return to his own planet.” (William H. Nash)

* “Not everyone is brokenhearted. Bubbles the chimp is thrilled to recover his place in the top bunk.” (Kenny Noble)

* “The Commerce Department reports that the unemployment rate has dropped--thanks to Michael’s public relations team hiring 4,300 extra people to help them get through this.” (Brad Halpern)

* “Michael isn’t wasting any time. He’s already joined Androgynous Geeks Without Partners.” (Mills)

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Also in the news: Lawyers for the Virginia Military Institute told the Supreme Court that most women wouldn’t like a college with “harsh discipline, rugged competition and stark facilities.” Noble says it sounds a lot like the women’s restroom during halftime at a Lakers game.

Is Bob Dole coloring his hair? Cutler says, “It’s a little different from his early days in politics when he wore powdered wigs.”

Hillary Clinton is accused of crooked land deals, cheating on commodities investments and steering business to her rich friends. Argus Hamilton says, “They’ve got her on charges of impersonating a Republican.”

All those attempts to pillory Hillary couldn’t come at a better time, Hamilton adds: “We were all getting tired of O.J. jokes.”

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Reader Alice Parrish of Hacienda Heights was sitting with grandson Christopher, 5, at a Christmas Eve church service when Christopher leaned over and whispered:

“Grandma, Jesus must be recycled, because he is born every year.”