Punchlines

In the news: At the annual National Prayer Breakfast, President Clinton told Congress to “pray for us to have a more charitable attitude toward one another.” The response, according to Cutler Daily Scoop: “You’re not getting our grits, Bill.”

About the president’s support for school uniforms to cut down violence, Bill Williams observes, “It doesn’t seem to have done much good for the Postal Service.”

Crews in South Carolina have dug up about 12 million pounds of polluted mud. Says Jerry Perisho, “The state hopes to recover costs by selling the sludge to GOP candidates for their final weeks of campaigning in New Hampshire.”

Toys R Us plans to close 25 stores. Says Alan Ray, “The inventory in one of those places is unbelievable. Each location has more than 20,000 toys, 10,000 games, 15,000 dolls and one checkout line.”

NASA is going to launch an explorer that will take seven months to reach Mars. Says Paul Ryan, “Seven months with those little robots in the back going, ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’ ”

Vermont plans to increase the number of moose-hunting permits this year from 75 to 100. Neal Feinberg says the decision touched off a riot by an angry mob of squirrels in goggles.

CNN quoted medical researchers saying that the winter depression many people suffer can be cured by exposure to a special light. Says Argus Hamilton, “They recommend Bud Light, Miller Lite or Coors Light.”

A Richard Nixon postage stamp with a printing error sold at auction for $16,000. Daniel Dowden says auctioneers were shocked by the price. “No one thought a flawed Nixon was rare.”

Ray says Kellogg’s is coming out with a new cereal, John du Pont Krispies: “It doesn’t crackle or pop, it just snaps.”

Michael Spindler has been ousted as CEO of Apple Computer. Says Kenny Noble, “Board members were concerned that he might spoil the whole barrel.”

ABC has announced a new show to start in March, called “Aliens in the Family.” Cutler says the working title was “Third Rip-Off From the Peacock.”

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Smart cookies: The Girl Scouts are now selling cookies on the Internet, via a World Wide Web site:

* “Instead of going door to door, they’re going window to window.” (Joe Kevany)

* “How convenient! If you order cookies by computer, your mouse can eat all the crumbs.” (Jenny Church)

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Preparing for a family trip to San Francisco, reader Ernie Martinez of Yorba Linda told daughter Andrea, 7, about some of the cool things they would see there, including the cable cars. Never having seen one of those, she asked for more details. Dad explained that they were cars that ran on cable. Still unclear, she asked:

“So what’s so great about that? Do they have the Disney Channel or something?”