Punchlines

In the news: After President Clinton was subpoenaed to testify in the Whitewater case, Alex Pearlstein says, “Hillary offered him those three little words that show she cares: ‘I don’t recall.’ ”

Optimism is growing in the Steve Forbes camp, says Neal Leibowitz. “His wife has already begun work on her own potential bestseller, ‘It Takes a Private, Gated Community.’ ”

A church near the White House has started a support group for federal workers idled by intermittent shutdowns. Jenny Church says it’s called Off-and-On-Anon.

That doctor who was ordered to stop doing the penile-enlargement operations? Says Tony Peyser, “To patients already scheduled for the procedure, he recommended just getting a new sports car.”

Jeffrey Wigand, source of the “60 Minutes” report on the tobacco industry, has been receiving death threats. Says Gary Easley, “Somebody keeps throwing cartons of cigarettes through his window.”

A recent study shows that married men handle stress better than single ones. “Of course!” says Stan Kaplan. “They’re used to it.”

Madonna is making a movie in South America and most of North America is in a deep freeze. Coincidence? wonders Joe Vogel.

The TV version of “Gulliver’s Travels” got great reviews. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Ted Danson wants to thank all the little people for making it happen.”

Liz Taylor has filed for her eighth divorce. Says Steve Tatham, “She announced that she would go back to her previous name, Elizabeth Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner.”

* Adds Easley, “Liz just filed for divorce from Larry. And her good friend Michael just got dumped by Lisa Marie. Maybe as they comfort each other they will discover their one true love. . . . Be afraid, world! Be very afraid!”

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Fat of the land: The latest statistics show 74% of Americans older than 25 say they are overweight. Says Cutler, “You’ve got mothers in China going, ‘Exercise! Don’t you know there are fat people overeating in America?’ ”

Meanwhile, the surgeon general wants to put warning labels that say, “The lack of physical activity is detrimental to your health” on sporting goods.

* “It might be more effective to put the labels on TV remotes.” (Charlie Reinke)

* “Tape them to closets, where most exercise equipment actually ends up.” (Bob Mills)

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Reader Joe McCord of San Clemente was with his brother in Northern California when granddaughter Michelle was visiting. Her 7th birthday was just 10 days away, so Grandpa gave her a wrapped present--and told her she would have to wait until her birthday to open it.

“But Grandpa,” she implored. “You won’t be there then! Don’t you want to open it now so you can see the joy and happiness on my face when I see your present?”