Punch Lines

In the news: Nonfront-runner Pat Buchanan visited Mt. Rushmore and mused about all he shares with the four presidents carved in stone there:

* “I can see that--a self-image the size of a mountain, rocks for brains and no heart.” (Steve Tatham)

* “He’s half right: Thomas Jefferson believed in slavery and George Washington was in to cutting down trees.” (Jenny Church)

Bob Dole told New Hampshire voters they’re tough to crack. He also lost there in 1980 and 1988. Says Argus Hamilton, “Under the Three Strikes law, he can never set foot in that state again.”

Republican leaders are so worried about Buchanan that there’s talk of drafting Dan Quayle. “He must be taking the draft talk seriously,” says Bill Maher. “He’s already reenlisted in the National Guard.”

The latest bad news from the Center for Science in the Public Interest suggests that a fat-packed breakfast like the Grand Slam at Denny’s may be your unhealthiest meal of the day:

* “The Republicans won’t make this a campaign issue. At $1.99 a breakfast, it only kills Democrats.” (Hamilton)

* “So Denny’s isn’t racist after all. They just don’t serve minorities because they’re concerned about their health.” (Paul Ryan)

A Christian school in Alabama canceled a visit from Charlton Heston because he appeared in a Bud Light beer commercial. Says Church, “School officials didn’t want their students to switch from ‘amen’ to ‘I love you, man.’ ”

Costa Mesa police have been confiscating the flashy clothes of prostitutes they arrest and releasing the ladies dressed in white paper jumpsuits. Asks John Fox of KEZY, “What, do the police want us to think the hookers have been sanitized for our protection?”

Neil Diamond’s latest project is a country album called “Tennessee Moon.” Wonders the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Neil doing country, Pat Boone doing metal? What, are they trying to put Weird Al out of business?”

Liz Taylor’s sitcom-cameo-thon was such a hit with CBS that the network offered her a pilot, says Neal Leibowitz, “but she felt it was too soon after the construction worker.”

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Don’t stay home with it: American Express is testing a program under which restaurants could require your card number when you make a reservation and bill you if you don’t show up:

* “It doesn’t stop there. The Arrow Shirt Co. will transmit a spaghetti stain by satellite and Rolaids will beam you a case of virtual heartburn.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “If this works, they plan to extend the policy to guys who ask for a woman’s phone number and then never call.” (Johnny Robish)

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Reader Bea Ayeroff of Los Angeles recalls the time her grandson Daniel, 3, found his grandfather dozing in a chair. Daniel scrambled up on his lap, saying:

“Come on, Grandpa Joe, turn on your eyes.”