Punch Lines

The royal marriage is dead! Long live the royal divorce!: At long last, Princess Diana has agreed to a divorce from Prince Charles:

* “She said OK, as long as she can keep the money, the house, the kids and the title. Queen Elizabeth had a counterproposal: Diana may keep her head.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “She plans on asking for child support, alimony and royalties.” (Paul Ecker)

* “The stumbling block wasn’t whether she would retain her title but which of them would get the fondue pot.” (Tony Peyser)

* “She won’t be able to lay claim to the royal throne--just the tub and shower.” (Ecker)

* “If she wants a title so badly, she should become a boxer. They seem to give titles to everybody.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “When Charles heard the news, he couldn’t believe his ears. Then again, nobody else can believe them either.” (Gary Easley)

* “He’s already joined Goofy-Looking Future Monarchs Without Partners.” (Bob Mills)

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In the news: Hearing Newt Gingrich’s prediction that a balanced-budget agreement could be reached in a couple of weeks, House GOP leader Dick Armey declared, “I don’t say the cat’s in the bag until the cat’s in the bag.” Says Jerry Perisho, “PETA immediately filed a formal complaint, demanding to know whose cat it is and where the bag is hidden.”

Now, that runaway satellite is floating around with a dead computer and an empty fuel tank. Says Kenny Noble, “Fortunately, in space nobody can hear you scream ‘lemon!’ ”

The telephone company U.S. West will purchase Continental Cablevision for $10 billion. Says Alan Ray, “The buyers had wanted to pay only $9 billion, but the cable company talked them into also getting HBO.”

A wildlife filmmaker is accused of staging animal action scenes. Says Ray, “Some incidents could not be helped. For example, to get the lions to mate he had to buy them dinner and a movie.”

Japanese scientists have developed a computer-run robotic face that can express six emotions:

* “There’s still hope for Al Gore.” (Joe Kevany)

* “Hollywood’s excited. They’ve found their next action-movie star.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “With a feminine hairstyle and face, it can show a variety of emotions. When it was built like a guy, it couldn’t express any.” (Jenny Church)

Rep. Sonny Bono said ex-wife Cher should be like Angela Lansbury and accept that she’s no longer beautiful. Says Hamilton, “Ms. Lansbury makes $200,000 a week. She’s gorgeous. I don’t care what she looks like.”

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Reader Marvin Ehrenberg of Claremont says his wife went shopping one day and took their 4 1/2-year-old daughter with her. They were driving along when the little girl suddenly inquired:

“Mommy, where are all the bastards?”

After a brief, shocked silence, Mom replied in a matter-of-fact way:

“Honey, they only come out when Daddy is driving.”