THE NATION : Bob Dole Fires Self; Campaign Takes Off : THE JAUNDICED EYE

Shaken by a weekend family straw poll that showed him running a distant third behind his wife, Elizabeth, and his dog, Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole of Kansas today dramatically expanded his recent staff shakeup by firing himself as a candidate for the 1996 Republican presidential nomination.

The Dole campaign will continue, but without a candidate. “Subtracting me adds the missing piece,” Dole told reporters during an impromptu news conference. “Campaign flatter than a Kansas wheat field. Small changes not enough. Problem: me. Haven’t had a new idea since Hector was a pup. Got all the charm of IRS auditor. Back-room guy, not statesman. Not up to the job.

“But not a quitter,” Dole added, sounding a familiar note of angry defiance. “Got money. Got lots of party support. Organization, first-rate. New pollster and other changes--better yet, team leaner and meaner. Now, not having me out front--scaring little children, barking platitudes, talking out of both sides of my mouth to try keeping both mainstream Republicans and the Christian Coalition happy--that’s going to energize the campaign as we head into the next round of primaries. Negatives already lifting. Won’t have to smile. Feel great.”

According to Dole advance men, early voter responses are promising: For example, ticket requests for a Meet Bob Dole evening in Savannah, Ga., have doubled in the 12 hours since it was changed to a Don’t Meet Bob Dole Evening.

Nor is the lack of a living, breathing, flesh-and-blood candidate seen, even by members of the Dole campaign brain trust, as a significant problem. “After all, attack ads are all about the other guy,” notes one. “And let’s even concede what the pundits will be saying: Without a candidate, nobody will know what the campaign stands for. But that’s our ace in the hole, because even with a candidate, nobody knew what the Dole campaign stood for.”

“Net loss, zero,” another insider exults. “In fact, there’s a net gain. Just think. Having no Bob Dole to expose as a superannuated party hack who doesn’t believe in anything except the mindless pursuit of power, whose only qualification for being president is how many rubber chicken dinners he’s eaten over the past 30 years and how much campaign money he’s strong-armed out of party ward heelers along the way, takes away the straw man who Pat Buchanan and the other candidates love to whomp and voters to rush to overlook. Removing Bob may seem like we’re creating a vacuum, but we see it as a big fresh breath of air!”

Dole’s future role in his suddenly non-campaign is currently being discussed with his aides in marathon strategy sessions. While declining to be specific, the senator may have tipped his hand in off-the-cuff remarks during a session break. “Opposition my long suit,” Dole volunteered. “Cut, slash, burn. Go for the jugular. Born second-guesser, natural hatchet man. Could do that here. Bob Dole taking on Bob Dole. Liven things up.”