Punch Lines

In the news: The Republican presidential candidates are all saying the country has lost its way and is heading in the wrong direction. Says Paul Steinberg, “This sort of argues for a female president, since none of the men will stop and ask for directions.”

It doesn’t surprise Charlie Reinke that Chelsea Clinton is a big science fiction fan: “Her parents have pretty much got fiction down to a science.”

Pat Buchanan’s defeat in South Carolina proves two things, says Argus Hamilton. “First, Southerners appreciate hearing their ancestors’ battle flag praised as a symbol of tolerance. And second, but not by a Catholic.”

What a contrast between Bob Dole and Steve Forbes, says Jenny Church: “School of Hard Knocks versus School of Ft. Knox.”

Sen. Strom Thurmond is running for reelection at age 93. Alan Ray says Thurmond is so old he can remember a day when black people had to use a restroom marked “colored.” “It was last Thursday, when he stopped by Jesse Helms’ office.”

A recent story on White House wages shows that some of the president’s assistants now make six figures. Not all of them, says Ray. “Some now make license plates.”

Astronomers are considering demoting Pluto from the solar system, saying it’s too small to be considered a planet. Says Church, “Why do they feel Pluto is too small? Venus envy.”

The Iditarod dog-sled race is underway. Says Kenny Noble, “This is proof that cats are smarter than dogs. You’ll never see a cat mushing a half-ton sled across a thousand miles of ice.”

* Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Participants say success depends a lot on psychology. Therapy convinces the animals they are horses trapped in the bodies of dogs.”

George Hamilton wants to fight Howard Stern for saying he married a pig. Says Argus Hamilton, “No wonder it gets under his skin. A pig has something George will never have--an Academy Award nomination.”

Remember the wildlife filmmaker accused of staging action shots? Says Alex Kaseberg, “Experts became suspicious when they viewed the outtakes and heard the lion asking the director, ‘What, exactly, is my motivation in the wildebeest scene?’ ”

Michael Jordan is hustling a new cologne, notes Buddy Baron--”Just in case you want to smell like a guy who sweats for a living.”

Illusionist David Copperfield paid $200,000 for the Batmobile at an auction. Says Alex Pearlstein, “It was the first time he actually had to pay for a car. Normally, he just pulls VW Rabbits out of a hat.”

*

Reader Lisa Shamlian of Westlake Village says a friend was looking at a picture book about careers with Shamlian’s 3-year-old, daughter, Susannah. “What does your daddy do?” asked the friend. Susannah thought for a moment, then replied:

“My daddy does what I tell him to do--but my mommy doesn’t.”