Punch Lines

Elephant walk: Today is “Super Tuesday,” with primary elections in seven states:

* “Or, as voters call it, ‘Stupor Tuesday.’ ” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “That’s the day before ‘Spin-Control Wednesday.’ ” (Russ Myers)

* “It’s not that difficult to forecast. Even the Weather Channel is predicting clear to partly Dole.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “Bob Dole said he ‘can smell victory in the air.’ Pat Buchanan said that’s entirely possible, since when you lose a sense like ‘vision’ the other senses become that much keener.” (Charlie Reinke)

Dole is fine-tuning his campaign specifically to fit California, says Myers. “He just installed a smog device on his bandwagon.”

Police took GOP candidate Alan Keyes into custody after he tried to join a debate at an Atlanta TV station. Says Dennis Miller, “Keyes said that as a black man he was ‘outraged,’ but as a Republican he ‘hopes the police will keep up the good work.’ ”

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In the news: The Clinton administration has ordered Navy warships to the Taiwan area as a protest against Beijing’s threatening war games. Says Bob Mills, “There hasn’t been this much White House interest in China since Nancy Reagan left.”

* Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Wait! We’re sending ships to protect a nation we don’t formally recognize? How are we going to know when we get there?”

The CIA reportedly gave Yasser Arafat tips on combating terrorism. Says Pearlstein, “Tip one: Gather all your friends together in one room. Tip two: Lock the door.”

After the broken tether, the lost satellite and the failed computer, the Columbia shuttle astronauts were grateful to get back on solid ground, says Kenny Noble. “Fortunately, the kickstand worked just fine.”

Word that 705,000 new jobs were created in February sent Wall Street into a dive Friday:

* “Good news is actually bad news? We don’t need Merrill Lynch to figure this out; we need Lewis Carroll.” (Cutler)

* “What do you expect from Wall Street? It reacts to pink slips as if they were Victoria’s Secret lingerie.” (Cutler)

Chuck Norris is opening a supper club in Moscow. Says Alan Ray, “The specialty will be the chops--one to the head, one to the throat.”

On the passing of George Burns, Joe Vogel says, “The fact that he lived 19 years after playing the part of God is quite a testament to his talent.”

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Reader Martin Litke of Newport Beach says that when he told grandson Jordan, 7, they would be taking a cruise to Alaska, Jordan expressed concern about all the bird droppings that would rain down on the ship. “Don’t worry,” reassured his sister, Sara, 8:

“There’s only one place on the ship to watch out for, and that’s the poop deck.”