Monkeying Around in the Infield

The chief--and, I suspect, the lone--contribution to Western culture that “Ed” will provide is that it will inspire some spectacularly unambitious graduate student to write a dissertation titled “Hunky and Monkey: The Semiotics of Underevolved Primate Imagery in Hollywood Entertainments Starring Members of the Cast of ‘Friends.’ ”

Otherwise, “Ed” is a torpid kids’ comedy (the bottom of the bell curve of “Friends” fans just barely grazes the top of the bell curve for this movie’s target audience) about a chimpanzee recruited by a minor-league baseball team to play third base and in general just be one of the guys. On said team is Jack Cooper (Matt LeBlanc, cast in this movie before “Friends” became the ubiquitous pop-culture picayune it now is), a rookie phenom pitcher in a season-long slump, and yes, it does seem a contradiction in terms.

Coach Chubb (Jack Warden) decides that rooming Ed with Jack will be the best thing for the both of them, and guess what? After a bunch of flatulence and bathroom gags and zany fast-motion slapstick antics, it turns out he’s right! In fact, it turns out that a baseball-playing monkey is the most plausible thing in this movie.

What makes “Ed” such a dreary experience is that literally no one here seems to be trying--someone came up with the hey-let’s-put-a-monkey-in-funny-outfits idea and no more creative meetings were called. In the go-figure department, Bill Couturie, responsible for such acclaimed documentaries as “Common Threads: Stories From the Quilt” and “Dear America: Letters Home From Vietnam,” directs with borderline desperation (is this considered a step up?). Screenwriter David Mickey Evans, who attempted to make the worst baseball movie ever with “The Sandlot,” goes one further here with numskull dialogue and blithering logic.

Ed himself is another problem--he’s just a guy (and at times, a gal) in a monkey suit with an animatronic mask, making him look not charming so much as slightly creepy in an “Island-of-Dr.-Moreau”-ish way. LeBlanc and his generic love interest (Jayne Brook) have a related credibility problem--the fact of their pristine physical beauty, coupled with their utter inability to summon up a believable human emotion, make them seem a little on the animatronic side themselves. The other actors flop about in that exhaustingly caffeinated, high-pitched, just-keep-the-kids-awake style except for Jack Warden, who of course just does his standard-issue Jack Warden.

Near the end, Cooper must for reasons not thoroughly explained rescue Ed from evil captors and win the big game all in one day. In the film, this impresses Tommy Lasorda, which might explain why the Dodgers have been such underachievers of late.

* MPAA-rating: PG, for language, crude humor and brief mild violence. Times guidelines: They sure do like their bathroom jokes.

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‘Ed’

Matt LeBlanc: Jack Cooper

Jayne Brook: Lydia

Jack Warden: Chubb

A Universal Pictures presentation of a Longview Entertainment production, released by Universal. Director Bill Couturie. Producer Rosalie Swedlin. Executive producer Bill Finnegan, Bill Couturie, Brad Epstein. Screenplay by David Mickey Evans. Cinematographer Alan Caso. Editor Robert K. Lambert. Music Stephen Endelman. Production design Curtis A. Schnell. Art decorator Michael L. Fox. Running time: 1 hour, 34 minutes.

* In general release throughout Southern California.