Punch Lines

General Mills has introduced an updated version of Betty Crocker. The new image is a computer composite of 75 different women:

* “Michael Jackson says that’s the same technique he used to create his new face.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

* “She’s said to be someone who both works and stays at home, and is black, white, Hispanic and Asian. President Clinton has already named her surgeon general.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “The company says she now has the ‘90s look. Yeah, she’s tired, overworked and underpaid.” (Kenny Noble)

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In the news: With the GOP nomination all but in Bob Dole’s pocket, Jay Leno says he can feel Dole Fever sweeping the nation. “I haven’t seen excitement like this since, well, since we almost switched to the metric system.”

Impressionist David Frye is doing Pat Buchanan these days, getting laughs with lines like: “I’m against illegal aliens. However, I would welcome aliens from outer space--provided they are pro-life white Anglo-Saxons.”

* Adds Bob Mills, “The government has issued new counterfeit-resistant green cards. Each has a hologram of Buchanan that winks when the card is tilted.”

The Whitewater judge ruled that President Clinton may submit his testimony on videotape. Says Hamilton, “The ruling was made in fairness to the president. His busy schedule does not allow for cross-examination.”

With the Grammy Awards moving to New York next year, says Alan Ray, “Organizers are worried about violence breaking out in a high crime area--the Best Rap Artist category.”

When actor / director Forest Whitaker was picked up on suspicion of drunken driving there was a bit of a delay with the Breathalyzer test, says Roger Bennett. “He kept waiting to exhale.”

Why did the president of the Blockbuster video-rental chain quit? Says Jenny Church, “Maybe the guy just needed some time to rewind.”

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Sons of a gun: When the guilty verdict against Lyle and Erik Menendez was announced, sobbing filled the courtroom, says Alex Pearlstein. “Gil Garcetti was just so happy his office finally won a case.”

* “Garcetti was so pleased, he’s considering changing the ‘three strikes’ law to ‘two trials, $12 million and you’re finally out.’ ” (Brad Halpern)

* “L.A. police immediately went on alert in case gangs of spoiled rich kids in sweaters began to riot.” (Charlie Reinke)

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Reader Charles Margines of Santa Ana and his son, David, then 12, were walking in a parking lot one day. Backing toward them came a car, apparently owned by a dating service, that had a large heart painted on its door along with a phone number and the phrase, “Meet Somebody New.” The driver did not see them and they had to scramble to avoid being hit. Reacting to the close call, David said:

“That guy almost met somebody new--my lawyer.”