All you need to know about L.A.:The...

All you need to know about L.A.:

The Oscars are Monday, the day that hundreds of millions of viewers will turn their attention toward L.A. And, at this time of the year, we understand why the World Almanac’s history of L.A. consists of this one sentence:

“Founded by Spanish 1781; captured by U.S. 1846; incorporated 1850; Hollywood a district of Los Angeles.”

WE’RE GETTING OUR TUXEDO READY: We don’t want to flaunt our status in this town, but we had to show you the hard-to-get award show invitation we received (see accompanying). Yes, it’s from none other than the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation, an Oscar rival that confers Razzies upon the worst of Hollywood’s movies and performances. Like the Oscars, which has the Irving Thalberg Memorial Award, the Razzies have a sentimental moment. The Razzies’ personalized salute is named for the writer of that table-dancing classic, “Showgirls.” It’s the Joe Eszterhas Worst Screenplay Dishonor Award.

COULD BE THE NEXT ESZTERHAS PROJECT: Planet Hollywood founders Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger, showing that they can be real-life tough guys, are suing the tiny Planet Hollyford restaurant in New Zealand. The Hollyford owners, whose Planet Hollywood-like logo probably would have lured unknowing tourists from around the world, said they’ll change their name and format because they don’t have the money to fight the Hollywood trio.

Incidentally, Stallone could well have another triumph in the near future. From his work in “Assassins” and “Judge Dredd,” he has two Razzie nominations for Worst Actor.

Yo, and double yo, Sly!

NAMES THAT FIT: Joanne Weinhoff O’Byrne points out that the Long Beach City Council’s agenda mentioned the unsuccessful protest of a resident against the construction of a sea urchin processing facility. The sea urchin foe: Donald Brine.

WHAT PLANET IS SHE ON? The quote of the week, in case you missed it, comes from skater Tonya Harding, who explained why she deserves more forgiveness from the public. “O.J. Simpson has his image back,” she said.

THERE IS HONESTY IN HOLLYWOOD: Mitch Giannunzio saw side-by-side billboards in front of 20th Century Fox: one a promo for TV’s “X Files” that said, “The Truth Is Out There,” and the other a promo for a feature film titled “The Truth About Cats and Dogs.”

PASSE PANHANDLING: One middle-aged moocher in the Civic Center area needs to get with it. When he tries to cadge change off someone, he addresses his mark as “Mr. Rockefeller.” Couldn’t he come up with something more relevant? Hey, how about “Mr. Stallone”?

WE’RE GLAD OUR TV DOESN’T COME WITH THAT RESTRICTION: Phoenix Williams of Claremont noticed that the warnings on a “high-intensity massager” he bought were a bit strict, especially No. 6: “Do not fall asleep.” Williams adds: “I didn’t realize the captains of industry or the government could go so far as to invade my circadian rhythms.”

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Who says the excitement has gone out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination? After all, Bob Dornan still hasn’t conceded.