Punchlines

In the news: This is the weekend we switch back to daylight saving time. Says Kenny Noble, “We lose an hour--plus another hour to reset your alarm clock, VCR, microwave, coffeepot, car clock, car alarm, house alarm, sprinklers. . . .”

Scientists say ibuprofen seems to help prevent Alzheimer’s disease. Says Argus Hamilton, “This is the break the Whitewater Committee needed. Al D’Amato sent a bottle of Advil to each witness and said we’re gonna try this again from the top.”

Asked if he thinks Ross Perot will seek the presidency, Newt Gingrich said the odds are even money. Says Jenny Church, “That means even money wouldn’t win it for someone that odd.”

The national debt has topped $5 trillion for the first time. Says Bob Mills, “On the plus side, the country now qualifies for Visa’s free checking account bonus.”

A giant phone merger will leave Pacific Bell headquartered in Texas. Says Jerry Perisho, “Now we’ll have to wait two hours for an operator, and then put up with ‘Howdy, y’all!’ ”

Clayton Fuller tells of another merger, which left a conservative Midwesterner in charge of a freewheeling California bank. “He was a little uncomfortable with its slogan: ‘Like, Totally Free Checking.’ ”

A New York woman won a court order to exhume her husband’s body and extract sperm to have his child. Says Paul Ryan, “Actually, it was his last wish. When she said she wanted kids, he said, ‘Over my dead body.’ ”

Oil firms may have shortchanged the government by $856 million. Says Noble, “Now we know what they mean by ‘self-service.’ ”

Researchers at Harvard say drinking a lot of alcohol decreases a woman’s chance of getting pregnant. Says Ryan, “If they spent less time in the lab and more in the frat houses, they’d get a completely different story.”

The National Conference honored Kathie Lee Gifford for being “committed to improving the human condition.” Asks Church, “Did she finally ask Regis to shut up?”

Dennis Rodman is back from his suspension for head-butting an official. Says Alex Kaseberg, “He’s got a new tattoo on his forehead: Warning: This Object May Be Closer Than It Appears.”

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A live one: Former GOP candidate Steve Forbes is going to host “Saturday Night Live”:

* “A lot of people were surprised. But NBC just couldn’t turn down $30 million cash.” (Hamilton)

* “Maybe he can buy that cast a few laughs.” (Mills)

* “Critics say his flat jokes would place an unfair burden on those with a poor sense of humor.” (Noble)

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Reader Jean Desmond of Rancho Palos Verdes accompanied a friend who was about to appear on a quiz show. “You look so calm,” she said. “Aren’t you nervous?”

“Not me,” her friend bragged. “I have neels of sterve!”