Punch Lines

The FBI picked up a man believed to be the notorious Unabomber, living in a Montana cabin:

* “He was easy to spot. His mailbox was blown to smithereens by mail returned for insufficient postage.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “He was booked, fingerprinted, photographed, and just to be sure, they stamped him ‘Registered, Return Receipt.’ ” (Kenny Noble)

* “Trying to save face on another front, the FBI is boasting that there’s now one less ‘free man’ in Montana.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “Just one question: Where can I send some mail to this turkey?” (Buddy Baron)

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In the news: They’ve revised those controversial national standards for the teaching of U.S. history, criticized for highlighting our darker moments at the expense of our successes. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Schools shouldn’t do that. That’s what we have political campaigns for.”

* Adds Hamilton, “Would liberals please stop rewriting history? Have we not built a country where African Americans, Hispanic Americans, Italian Americans, Jewish Americans, Irish Americans, Polish Americans, German Americans and Asian Americans can achieve their dreams on Native American land under Anglo-Saxon supervision? For crying out loud, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

A Pentagon study failed to find a single cause of Gulf War syndrome. Says Cutler, “Hey, it’s the ‘90s. Soldiers can blame it all on their mother-of-all-battles.”

A disgruntled former executive suing Mattel claims the toy company inflated its sales total. Says Jenny Church, “C’mon! Who would expect realistic figures from the maker of Barbie?”

As the British beef industry prepares to slaughter millions of cattle over fears about “mad cow disease,” Cutler asks, “Remember the good old days, when ‘don’t have a cow’ was just an expression?”

Studies show that hormonal birth-control patches for men work as well as other methods. Says Bob Mills, “A combination nicotine and contraceptive patch will be offered for guys who still enjoy sex but prefer not to smoke afterward.”

L’eggs has a new type of pantyhose it says will make you look 5 pounds thinner without dieting. Says Paul Ryan, “Unfortunately, they squeeze you so tightly that your hat size doubles.”

Rap star Hammer has declared bankruptcy. Says Alex Kaseberg, “In effect, he’s holding up his wallet and telling his creditors, ‘Can’t touch this.’ ”

Cher’s new movie, “Faithful,” is getting dreadful reviews. Says Mills, “Rep. Sonny Bono will introduce a bill in Congress to have it declared unconstitutional.”

Susan Lucci has received her 16th Daytime Emmy nomination, so far without wins. Says Steve Tatham, “That’s right: Sweet 16 and always been dissed.”

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Reader Denise Weissberger of Canyon Country says her family follows the Jewish faith. A year ago, a baby-sitter took their twins, age 2 1/2, to a mall to see the Easter Bunny. When it was their turn to meet him, one of the twins asked:

“What is your Hebrew name?”