Punch Lines

M-I-C . . . See you in court!

K-E-Y . . . Why? Because I’m suing you:

Former Disney veep Jeffrey Katzenberg is suing his old company for $250 million he claims it owes him. Says Steve Tatham, “Disney claims he breached his contract, and is going ahead with plans to make a movie called ‘Jeffrey and the Giant Breach.’ ”

* He adds, “Other planned Disney movies about the case: ‘Three Lawyers and a Baby,’ ‘The Lyin’ King,’ ‘101 Depositions’ and ‘Jeff-to-haunt-us.’ ”

If this case goes to trial, says Bob Mills, watch for:

* The judge to make rulings only after rubbing Aladdin’s lamp.

* The jury to frequently break into a chorus of “It’s a Small World After All.”

* Mouse ears to be part of the bailiff’s uniform.

Michael Eisner has an idea to settle the dispute, says Brad Halpern. “Katzenberg would receive $250 million for starring in ‘Honey, I Treated the VP Like One of Our Writers!’ ”

*

In the news: House Republicans say they’ll balance the federal budget in seven years, says Paul Ryan, “by making it illegal to be poor.”

Mitsubishi is downsizing, says Richard Acello. “They’re laying off their entire sexual harassment department and outsourcing the job to Mike Tyson.”

Police in New Jersey arrested a man they caught dumping 10 bags of human body parts into the Passaic River:

* “Apparently, in New Jersey the limit is eight bags.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

* “Now his lawyer wants an arm and a leg.” (Jenny Church)

* “Hackensack--Not Just a Name But a Way of Life.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Experts are troubled by lax security in Russia’s nuclear stockpile. Says Acello, “Anyone opening a checking account at a Russian bank gets a free sports bottle filled with plutonium.”

A Rhode Island judge ruled that an ice cream truck’s repetitive tune is protected by the First Amendment. The city of Glochester had ordered it stopped because it was driving everyone nuts. Says Bill Williams, “The victorious vendor has changed the tune to ‘Nah Na-Na Nah Nah.’ ”

A researcher reported that men lose brain tissue at almost three times the rate women do, curbing their memory and concentration--and perhaps turning them into “grumpy old men.” However, says Heather Stewart, “His findings were not conclusive, since he lost interest part way through the study. His response: ‘You got a problem with that? Get off my back!’ ”

Last year’s made-for-TV Shaq versus Hakeem pay-per-view event didn’t work out so well, but Michael X. Ferraro says promoters have high hopes for this summer’s sequel: “Dennis Rodman v. Nick Van Exel in ‘Ref-a-Mania ’96.’ ”

*

Reader Sylvia Wells of Monterey Park says her granddaughter, Katie, 7, was holding out her little hands and lamenting to her parents about the sorry state of her cuticles.

“The kids at school made fun of my hands. They said I had the awfulest testicles they ever saw.”