Punch Lines
By now, says Alex Kaseberg, you’ve probably (a) filed your taxes; (b) filed for an extension, or (c) faxed the “freemen” to say “Hey, don’t give up! I’m coming to join you!”
*
In the news: There’s just one problem with the notion that the Unabomber finally may be behind bars, says Bill Williams. “This will be the first Christmas in 17 years I won’t have an excuse to throw my aunt’s fruitcake into the bay.”
* Adds Kenny Noble, “The reason that 35,000-word manifesto is so rambling and disconnected is simple. Obviously, he put off writing it until the Sunday night before it was due.”
* Adds Andrew Havens, “Personally, I can’t get past the idea of 35,000 words on a manual typewriter. The FBI should be looking for the 17 yards of correct-o-tape that must be buried outside the cabin.”
The Internet is playing an ever-bigger role in modern politics, says Williams. “To learn what a candidate is all about you just need to double-click on the universal symbol for politicians: ‘I con.’ ”
Cadets at the Naval Academy face charges involving cheating, drug use, stolen cars and sexual assault. Says Argus Hamilton, “It makes sense. You can’t get into the Naval Academy unless a member of Congress vouches for your behavior.”
Los Angeles Mayor Richard Riordan went to Sun Valley and took ice skating lessons. Says Jenny Church, “His political consultants did all the spinning.”
A survey reveals that incivility to others is a growing problem in America. However, says Alan Ray, “The sample was pretty small. Most people told the researchers to mind their own damn business.”
Another study suggests that men’s brains shrink three times as fast as women’s brains. Says Paul Steinberg, “Fortunately, help is on the way. There is now a Brain Club for Men.”
In yet another study, menopausal women were given the hormone testosterone. Says Dennis Miller, “They not only experienced an increase in energy, but they started getting paid more.”
With Magic Johnson joining teammate Nick Van Exel in jostling the refs, Alex Pearlstein says the Lakers may have gone too far. “Instead of the national anthem, Olivia Newton-John will now come out before every game and sing ‘Let’s Get Physical.’ ”
Golfers are buzzing about the way Greg Norman bobbled the Masters. Says Noble, “In the final round he went from six strokes under to six feet under.”
*
The opening of baseball season always reminds Temecula reader Jan Moorhead of the time daughter Susan, then 5 and eager to sound baseball-wise, informed her family that a game they were watching was “in the oth inning.” Mom explains:
“She had heard her older brother say the game was ‘in the bottom of the eighth,’ and to Susan the bottom of an 8 was an o.”