Don’t leave custody without it:With summer approaching,...

Don’t leave custody without it:

With summer approaching, the Luggage 4 Less stores are running ads obviously calculated to appeal to all types of travelers. The suitcase sizes range from the “Cruise” model to the larger “Witness Relocation” brand (see excerpt). In fact, we hate to mention it, but the latter suitcase looks almost big enough to fit a witness inside.

IT’S NOT IN OUR DICTIONARY: Katherine Gould of the Los Angeles Independent Newspaper Group received a letter addressed to MANAGEING EDITOR. She wouldn’t have given much thought to the extra E except for the fact that the company writing her was the National Scrabble Assn. Those Scrabble people--always trying to sneak in a non-word.

HE PROMISED THE ANIMALS WOULD BE QUIET: The folks at Paramount’s City Hall thought it was an April Fools’ joke when an entrepreneur told them why he wanted to rent a warehouse. But he was serious. “Apparently, there is a need for transport of deceased animals between veterinarians’ offices and their final resting place,” said Paramount’s newsletter, City Talk. The applicant envisioned the warehouse as a limbo “where animal corpses would be held in deep freeze until disposition.”City Talk added: “All joking aside, our zoning code does not permit this use.”

NO NEED FOR LIFE JACKETS: Most of the traffic on the usually parched L.A. River consists of stunt drivers for movie companies, prospective bus drivers undergoing instruction and, we imagine, a few witnesses being driven to new locations. So the city of L.A. apparently felt that those navigating the cement waterway needed a reminder (see photo).

HASN’T THE SPEED LIMIT BEEN LIBERALIZED? We don’t follow car racing, but we do make an exception for the Long Beach Grand Prix because the competitors’ times always strike us as so amusing in the age of the freeway. The reason is that the course’s many hairpin turns hold down the speeds, to put it mildly. Thus, the 16th-place finisher on Sunday averaged 83 mph. And in another race on the Long Beach track that day--the Indy Lights--the winner averaged 77.3 mph, a speed that wouldn’t qualify for the fast lane of the Ventura Freeway, let alone the bed of the L.A. River.

THE FAMOUS DEFENDANTS ROOM: John M. Wilson reports that among the caricatured celebrities inside the Palm Restaurant, “I noticed the likenesses of two famous faces staring from opposite walls--O.J. Simpson and [ex-Kings owner] Bruce McNall.”

BACK TO THE PRESENT: Jeff Bliss of Newbury Park couldn’t help but think of a certain high-profile criminal investigation as he watched an episode of the ‘60s TV show “Wild Wild West.” Burgess Meredith, playing an academic-turned-mad-bomber, is told upon being captured, “Professor, you should have stayed at Harvard.”

ZIP CODES? WHAT ARE ZIP CODES? Alex Strautman of L.A. received his invitation to attend the National Postal Forum a bit late. As the stamped message on the envelope explained: “This mail was delayed because of an incorrect ZIP Code. Please notify sender of correct ZIP Code.”

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Frederick’s of Hollywood is sponsoring a “Save the Animals Walk for the Ark Trust” on Monday in honor of Earthy Day. Excuse us, Earth Day? We hardly need add that no marchers in leather lingerie will be allowed.