Notes From the Wild Kingdom

The Beast II.

Beware the ravenous killer squids anxious to wrap their arms around you. Yet who’s more in danger, humans from animals or animals from humans?

Right, a no-brainer. HBO addressed the question last month when airing Antony Thomas’ shockingly graphic documentary, “To Love or Kill: Man vs. Animal.” The provocative film’s pictures weren’t gratuitous; their purpose was education, albeit from a decided point of view.

You did see examples of love and mutual affection, including animals helping people with disabilities and a woman grieving terribly after the death of her pet. And there were those rat worshipers in India.

If you could stomach the footage, though, you also saw shooters in the United States blasting pigeons to bits and a bow hunter taking several shots to kill his writhing, suffering prey at close range. You saw the torture of animals in Spain for sport, from bull fighting to live goats getting heaved into the sea. In China, cats and dogs were shown in cages, awaiting their turn on a restaurant’s dinner menu. “Here some element of humanity seems to be missing,” the narrator said as a cat was submerged in boiling water. Still alive. Then it was skinned. Still alive. Then it was tossed into a vat. Still alive.

Utterly horrific.

But there, at 7 p.m. last Sunday, was the Robert Urich-hosted Fox special “When Animals Attack,” spilling out a litany of horrors befalling humans when encountering animals ranging from frothing pit bulls to rampaging circus elephants.

Occasional moderating words notwithstanding, the hour’s tone was overwhelmingly fearful, the principal message being that animals are the enemy.

Now you take that poor, suffering, fun-loving kid shown being gored while getting his kicks in the annual running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. Why, you’d think bulls would appreciate the privilege of charging through narrow streets in the company of hordes of shrieking, tormenting matadors-for-a-day. Yet how do they repay this generosity? By goring!

And what about Tyke, the African elephant shown Sunday going berserk and killing her trainer in 1994 before being gunned down by authorities? What was her problem, anyway? You’d think she’d have been grateful for the good life of learning circus tricks in captivity.

Airing next Tuesday night on CBS, meanwhile, is a program a bit higher on the food chain, “The World’s Most Dangerous Animals II,” from producers Dave Bell and Erik Nelson. More scary stuff here in the tradition of “Dangerous Animals I,” from killer deer, lethal spiders, vicious pit bulls and chomping sharks to African crocodiles with an appetite for humans who go swimming where they shouldn’t: “It came out of nowhere, and it wanted to kill me!”

Heart-thumping reenactments are liberally deployed to make your adrenaline zoom. But to its credit, while trafficking in this terror, the program puts the blame for the incidents it depicts mostly on humans. As a wildlife park ranger notes after tracking a rogue lion: “In my mind, the most dangerous animal of all is man.”

In that regard, here’s an appropriate theme for a follow-up special that Fox might want to consider: “When Humans Attack.”

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She Said, He Said: Molly Ivins and Stanley Crouch made their debut Sunday as liberal versus conservative commentators on “60 Minutes,” arguing about Bernhard Goetz, who’s been ordered by a civil court jury to pay $45 million to one of the young men he shot on a subway car in 1984.

Ivins and Crouch (who will alternate with conservative P.J. O’Rourke) join a show that now has one commentary spot too many. At least that’s what longtime “60 Minutes” regular Andy Rooney appears to believe, based on what he’s said about his new colleagues in two consecutive commentaries.

Almost immediately, their debut sparked an intense debate.

Howard: At least Andy won’t run out of material now. It looks like he’s going to target them in his own commentaries each week.

Rosenberg: Don’t be ridiculous. Although, they are fat targets.

Howard: I liked Crouch least.

Rosenberg: I liked Ivins least.

Howard: He was least funny.

Rosenberg: She was least funny.

Howard: They spoke in 20-second sound bites.

Rosenberg: It was 30-second sound bites.

Howard: I learned one thing.

Rosenberg: I learned nothing.

Howard: I learned that although each is bright and amusing individually, their appearance together in this mannered, infantile, intrusive, time-consuming new segment is a dumb idea.

Rosenberg: On that we agree.

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Who Needs It?: “Fox News Sunday” is the new fourth wheel in Sunday public-affairs shows, yet another vehicle for political insiders and Beltway best pals to present their predictable spin on television.

It premiered last weekend with USA Today columnist Tony Snow as benign host, Democratic and Republican party leaders as guests and the usual pundits (Al Hunt and Linda Chavez initially) as . . . pundits.

The hour was superficial, predictable and by the numbers. The important thing, however, is that everyone had a good time and seemed to get along real well. Just what TV needs, more news media and newsmakers as chums.

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A Star Is Born: It remains to be seen whether TV’s best comedy series, “The Larry Sanders Show,” fulfills a promise to resume on HBO in 1997. It also remains to be seen whether, if it does come back, its hottest cast member will come back with it.

That wouldn’t be one of the former Big Three--Garry Shandling, Rip Torn or Jeffrey Tambor. It would be Janeane Garofalo, who appears to have a feature film career ahead of her after getting rave reviews for her co-starring role with Uma Thurman in the just-released “The Truth About Cats & Dogs.” The prevailing opinion is that Garofalo is a lot better than the movie.

She would hardly be the first former sitcom regular to make it big in the movies (Robin Williams and Tom Hanks are among those who preceded her), but she perhaps would be the first to do so from as far down the ladder as fourth or fifth banana on a cable series that most Americans have not seen.

Garofalo is also a stand-up comic, but acting in set comedies is clearly her forte. On “The Larry Sanders Show,” she glistened in stints as an unglamorous, embattled, ever-askew but feisty talent booker for a TV talk show. Big screen or small screen, Garofalo’s greatest assets are her amazing ease and naturalness in front of the camera. If it’s work for her, you wouldn’t know it. She never seems to be acting.

Perhaps she won’t be, anymore, on “The Larry Sanders Show.”