Punch lines

The mother of all holidays: We all know that survival essentials like food and water aren’t taxed, says Bill George. “So imagine my shock when the sales clerk dinged me for tax on a Mother’s Day card. Can you imagine not sending Mom a card and expecting to live?”

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In the news: A new study says exercising on a treadmill is the best calorie-burner there is:

* “And all these years we’ve laughed at hamsters.” (Johnny Robish)

* “The discovery was made by accident, when doctors noticed their patients became remarkably fit walking from medical test to medical test to medical test. . . .” (Bob Mills)

A drug company announced that some Excedrin bottles were mistakenly filled with No Doz. Says Alex Pearlstein, “Well, that would explain all those people who have been getting really, really, really excited about their headaches.”

The California Assembly voted to lay off its last elevator operator. Says Gary Easley, “Now legislators will be pushing their own buttons. But PACs and lobbyists will continue to pull their strings.”

The Starbucks chain and Red Hook Ale are teaming up to make a drink that combines coffee and beer. “Who is this for?” asks Jay Leno. “People who never want to leave the bathroom?”

A former drummer for Crosby, Stills & Nash is suing the band because they stopped paying royalties after he wrote a book about their lifestyle. “Maybe you’ve seen it,” says Bill Maher. “It’s called the ‘Physician’s Desk Reference.’ ”

Martin Lawrence used to be a comedian on the edge, says Paul Ecker, but now he’s middle-of-the-road.

On Bette Midler promoting compost heaps, the Cutler Daily Scoop says, “Our boss has done that plenty of times.”

Nick at Nite says “The Lucy Show” is its top-rated program. Says Argus Hamilton, “Some people can’t get enough of seeing a crazy redhead in lipstick get into one jam after another. So they watch Dennis Rodman on ESPN.”

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Still fuming: The average price of gas has dropped by half a cent per gallon. “Oooo, baby!” says Pearlstein. “Now I can finally afford half of that grape I’ve always wanted.”

* Adds Alex Kaseberg, “Gas prices are up, KISS is on tour and George Foreman is a contender. Suddenly I feel like discoing down to my Gremlin to call on my CB radio and see if there’s a sale on pukka shells anywhere.”

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Reader Jim Brochu of North Hollywood says his brother-in-law, a narcotics cop in Texas, took his children Jonathan and Elizabeth to the police station last month on Take Our Kids to Work Day. As they were about to leave, another officer brought in a man arrested with 75 pounds of marijuana in his car. As the officer scolded the suspected drug dealer for having his 7-year-old son in the car with him, Jonathan piped up:

“But he had to! It’s take your kid to work day!”