Punch Lines

In the news: President Clinton accepted Japan’s apology for shooting down a U.S. plane. Says Johnny Robish, “Now, if we could just get them to apologize for those Godzilla movies.”

Whitewater counsel Kenneth Starr got three convictions, but Argus Hamilton says he’s not stopping there. “Today he’s going to the post office to move Clinton’s photograph from one side of the lobby to the other.”

Bob Dole is determined to improve his image with voters, says Bob Mills. “At the urging of his aides, he’s now spending 30 minutes a day hooked up to a charisma dialysis machine.”

Dan Quayle’s son Tucker was photographed at a college sporting four earrings and two tattoos. Says Hamilton, “One out of four children turn out like this. Scientists call them Democrats.”

An Alabama jury awarded $150 million to a driver who was paralyzed after falling asleep at the wheel of a Chevy Blazer. Says Gary Easley, “GM contends the award is too high, pointing out that he could have stayed awake by taking along hot coffee, spilling it in his lap and being awarded only $3 million.”

Coca-Cola has purchased the British soft drink company Schweppes. Says Stan Kaplan, “In England, its product will now be called Schweppsi-Cola.”

Computers have advanced to where they can read a person’s body language. Says Easley, “When you curl into a fetal position, they know you can’t figure out the program.”

Surgeons in L.A. removed 15% of a person’s brain. Says Alex Kaseberg, “The patient is doing well, but he has developed an uncontrollable urge to crash in O.J.’s guest house.”

Jim Carrey’s new movie, “The Cable Guy,” opens next week--”Sometime between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m., I believe,” says Jay Leno.

Police in Ohio stopped a 4-year-old boy pedaling his 12-inch bike with training wheels down a freeway:

* “They pulled him over for passing a guy doing 20 in a Pinto in the fast lane.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “The kid was given a Breathalyzer test and hauled in because his blood Kool-Aid level was way over the limit.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

* “He got irritated by the delay, saying, ‘Hurry up, Kathie Lee is going to dock me if I’m late.’ ” (Charlie Reinke)

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Gentlemen, start your clickers: Says Leno, “This week marks the 40th anniversary of the most effective birth-control device in history: the TV remote.”

* Adds Kaseberg, “It’s also the 40th anniversary of us guys learning to scratch with just one hand.”

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Reader Terry Snyder of Los Angeles says that at a large family dinner, her nephew Adam, 6, balked at eating a bowl of soup prepared especially for him by his grandmother. “Why don’t you want it?” Grandma asked. “I put in your favorite things, just for you.” Pointing to the tureen on the table, Adam pouted:

“I want mine like everyone else’s--from the soup latrine.”