Visiting Neverland

Dum-dum-da-dum.

Anyone who thinks the hummed version of “Here Comes the Bride” perfectly summarizes the brief marriage of Mr. and Mrs. Michael Jackson might have penned “HERstory: Lisa Marie’s Wedding Diary” (Villard). But the father-son writing team of Sean and Chris Kelly got there first.

Emboldened by the cover blurb “Guaranteed 100% Pure Parody” (one of many lawyer-fearing disclaimers), they promise a thorough lampooning of the whole Presley-Jackson affair and entourage. La Toya, too?

Here’s 30 seconds’ worth:

Feb. 20

Dear Diary guess what? I’m ENGAGED!!! Boy if my daddy were really dead he would be turning over in his grave! . . .

May 19

Dear Diary tonite on the TV news my role model Jackie O. passed away. She was beautiful & incredibly rich & nobody minded her marrying that even more incredibly rich older guy even if he was a weirdo & a creep & if they did mind as far as she was concerned they could EAT IT! May her Force Be With Me when M.J. & I start negotiating the so-called “prenup” tomorrow.

Nov. 21

Dear Diary we just had our quote Family Thanksgiving Dinner at Neverland. . . . All night I kept losing count but I think all the Jacksons except Toyota were here chowing down only for some reason Mike was never in the same room with his sister Janet. Like he’d go out & a minute later she’d come in & visey versa. What gives?

April 1

Dear Diary . . . my husband has no sense of humor! Here are just 3 of my practicle jokes he didn’t enjoy today.

1. “snapping” the elastic on his surgical mask.

2. short-sheeting the oxygen chamber.

3. the old “I’ve got your nose” trick.