Punch Lines

In the news: The California Supreme Court reduced the strict “three strikes and you’re out” law to a more lenient “three strikes and we will be very, very disappointed in you,” says R. Alex Kaseberg.

Two top aides of Russian President Boris Yeltsin were arrested last week. Says Jerry Perisho, “Man, when these guys decided to pattern their government after ours, they weren’t kidding.”

Citing potential conflict of interest, Janet Reno turned the FBI file investigation over to Kenneth Starr. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Starr’s in-basket is becoming the Clinton Monument.”

Despite all the scandals, Clinton’s numbers went up in the latest Lou Harris poll. Says Hy Faber, “That’s because Clinton has Harris’ FBI file.”

Faber adds, “Bob Dole is so conservative, when his arthritis flares up he uses Ben Straight.”

A Toronto physician was arraigned in Canada’s first case of doctor-assisted suicide. Says Alex Pearlstein, “Wow, that NAFTA really is working.”

A new Census Bureau study concludes that the rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “The study also concludes that you only hurt the ones you love, great minds think alike and you are as young as you feel.”

Another study shows that Los Angeles has the worst ground smog in the nation. Says Charlie Reinke, “It was so bad today I saw a guy deliberately crash his car so he could suck on the air bag.”

The Orange County Marine Institute is planning a $600,000 unit for underwater research. Says Stan Kaplan, “Now, if the county runs into more financial difficulties, it will have a tank to go into.”

The Menendez Brothers gave their first post-verdict interviews to Barbara Walters for ABC’s “20 / 20.”

* “What, you were expecting the Family Channel?” (Cutler)

* “They revealed that their search for a couple to adopt them is going kind of slow.” (Reinke)

Former Nebraska running back Lawrence Phillips has retained Robert Shapiro to defend him against drunk-driving charges. Says Pearlstein, “Phillips will testify that at the time of his alleged crime he was in the back seat working on his golf swing.”

A survey shows 13% of men claim to have had 24 or more sex partners. Says Alan Ray, “Most of these guys are one-night stands--one night is all women can stand.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s new movie is out. Says Ray, “The hero of ‘Eraser’ takes the screen with but one purpose in mind: To make the world safe for ‘Eraser II.’ ”

*

Reader Corinne Strauser of Upland was shopping with her 5-year-old daughter when the girl asked the meaning of a handicap parking space sign. Mom explained that they couldn’t park there because it was saved for people who have a problem walking. A few weeks later, needing to drop off a package at the Girl Scouts office, Strauser pulled into a handicap space long enough to dash inside. Her daughter asked, “Mom, do your feet hurt?” No, said Mom, why do you ask?

“Then why are you parking in the space for people who have a problem walking?”