Getting Called Under the Carpet

Downey’s California:

--In the first tarp-abuse incident since Vince Coleman got snared at a St. Louis Cardinal baseball game, a man named Mark Hillaby, 27, was trapped under a tarpaulin at Wimbledon this week by a grounds crew that tucked him in like a bean into a burrito.

The man suffered a concussion and was nearly killed, becoming the first unseeded person at the All-England Club to actually be seeded right into the grass. Hillaby thus became the first British subject to be literally swept under a rug, unless one counts Sarah Ferguson.

Doctors reported that the man was suffering from inhalation of fertilizer and Andre Agassi’s old socks. After a near-death experience that very nearly qualified as Forest Lawn Tennis, the groundskeeper told authorities that beneath Centre Court he found five pounds, six shillings and the past hopes of Ivan Lendl.

Said a spokesperson for the tarp industry, “We put instructions right there on the label: ‘For soil only. Not for human use.’ ”

Observers said it was the first time they had seen a human being turned into 175 pounds of Stove Top Stuffing. The BBC reported that Wimbledon received a telephone call from a stunned President Clinton in the White House, who said, with obvious relief after receiving some original misinformation: “Oh, Hillaby.”

Scotland Yard called the victim lucky, saying that if the time had been 4 p.m., everyone would have gone out for tea and left him there under the tarp.

London tabloids blamed the entire incident on John McEnroe.

--If a jury finds Michael Irvin not guilty, I hear he’ll be speaking at Oxford.

--Well, I see where Mike Tyson has postponed his July 13 title fight until September or maybe even October, because of bronchitis. Yeah, that darned bronchitis. It can keep you in bed for two, three months.

--Kobe Bryant could be the only Laker in history who would call Shaquille O’Neal “old-timer” and “gramps.”

--Shaq could take Kobe to the Magic Johnson Theatres and tell the ticket-seller: “One adult, one child.”

--I see where Bobby Cox left one or two Atlanta Braves off the National League All-Star team. Nice of him.

--Letting a Detroit Tiger be in the All-Star game is like letting Jim Carrey do Shakespeare.

--My favorite moment will be when Joe DiMaggio throws out the first ball, and Albert Belle throws it back at him.

--The Phillies would have Mitch Williams throw out the ceremonial first pitch, but Joe Carter would hit it 400 feet.

--Let’s see, Tom Lasorda is lying around, watching TV, not doing any work and isn’t in very good shape right now. Let’s make him a sportswriter!

--”Billy Ball” has been done. His name is Bill Russell. Let’s call it Bill Ball.

--I told a friend of mine that the American League’s All-Star pitchers were Finley, Hernandez, Mesa, Montgomery, Nagy, Pavlik, Percival, Pettitte and Wetteland. He said, “I’ve heard of Finley.”

--Maybe the U.S. Olympic Committee can petition to give Dominique Moceanu and Shannon Miller the gold and silver medals in gymnastics without actually competing, based on their previous scores.

--Olympic baseball should be fun, at least until the Olympians go on strike.

--I like golf best when Greg Norman plays the right ball.

--Yes, the Lakers can give Shaquille O’Neal a lot of money. That’s not the question. The question is: How can they give him uniform No. 32?

--I see Shaq’s new movie is out, about his leaving the Orlando Magic. It’s called: “Independence Day.”

--Hello? Los Angeles Kings? I don’t know if you guys have figured this out yet, but . . . YOU could sign Wayne Gretzky.