THE ULTIMATE FIXER-UPPER:So Cardinal Roger Mahony is...

THE ULTIMATE FIXER-UPPER:

So Cardinal Roger Mahony is looking for somewhere to put St. Vibiana’s Cathedral. Well, what about the new, empty, $373-million government building in town? The one that L.A. County doesn’t have the funds to open. You know--the Twin Towers jail. It might stimulate more visits to the confessional.

YOU THINK PEOPLE ARE WEIRD . . . : Bud and Judy Pittman of Canyon Country noticed some unusual critters for sale in a local paper--an alcoholic bird as well as a couple of hens whose clucking can’t be trusted (see excerpts).

FAR, FAR WESTERN EUROPE: Sarah Lifton sent us a seemingly contradictory label that “was attached to a hothouse cucumber” she purchased in Culver City.

Perhaps there’s an explanation, though. Maybe, Lifton says, “between NAFTA, GATT AND the EU, the world really is shrinking” (see stamp).

LIST OF THE DAY: As far as we’re concerned, the Olympics haven’t packed as much excitement since the “Fine Arts” competition was canceled after the 1948 Games. Fortunately, some of the glory of that era has been immortalized in a plaque at one end of the L.A. Coliseum.

You can almost feel the drama as you go down the list of the “Fine Arts” victors at the 1932 Games in L.A.:

* Water Colors and Drawings: Lee Blair, U.S.A., “Rodeo”

* Graphic Works: Joseph Webster Golonkin, U.S.A., “Leg Scissors”

* Statues: Mahonri Young, U.S.A., “The Knockdown”

* Medals and Reliefs: Joseph Klukowski, Poland, “Sport Sculpture II”

* Architecture: Gus Saacke, Pierre Bailey, P. Montenot, France, “Cirque por Tores”

* Literature: Paul Bauer, Germany, “Am Kangehenzonga”

* Town Planning: John Hughes, Britain, “Design for Sports and Recreation Center with Stadium for the City of Liverpool”

But spectators of the 1996 Games are deprived of the “Fine Arts” competition. It’s a shame for the performers, too.

Imagine how many water colorists, sculptors and town-planners out there would love to participate in the Olympics--and grab some commercial endorsements?

A DIFFERENT TYPE OF HYPHENATED NAME: After the death of her husband, Merilyn Walker of Glendale tried to delete his name from mailing lists by returning junk mail with the notation “deceased.”

The result? She soon received a letter addressed to “Monty W. Deceased.” But that isn’t the only variation. More recently, she received a ticket application from the Music Center that was addressed to “Mr. Monty Walker--Deceased.”

miscelLAny

You may have read about the incident in which an apparently inebriated Robert Downey Jr. was arrested after he was found sleeping in the house of some Malibu residents whom he did not know.

Let this be a warning, readers. Lock your doors and windows! Or you too might awaken in the morning to find an out-of-work actor sleeping in your house.