Punch Lines

Grand Old Partying: You can’t argue with the pacing of the Republican convention, says Hy Faber. “They had a tribute to Reagan, who was a two-term president. Then they had a speech by Bush, who was a one-term president. Then Ford, who was a half-term president. And then they have Bob Dole.”

Speakers spent Tuesday dissing President Clinton. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Look at it this way, Bill: They didn’t say anything worse about you than what Dole used to say about Jack Kemp.”

* Adds Alex Kaseberg, “At least we know what Kato Kaelin is doing. Apparently he’s the joke writer for the GOP.”

* Adds Faber, “Kemp may be a good choice for the Republicans but not that good for comedy. I was hoping for a Dole-Bono ticket.”

Calling for even tougher immigration laws, says Pete Navarro, “One Republican delegate returned from an outing to Tijuana and expressed alarm at how ‘Mexicans have taken over the whole damn town.’ ”

Says Faber, “The Democrats will start their convention just as soon as Jimmy Carter finishes building the convention hall.”

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In the news: “Last week scientists discovered compelling evidence of life on Mars,” says Bill Maher, “and as of yesterday it was the leading contender for the nomination of the Reform Party.”

Los Angeles County has signed with the William Morris Agency, seeking to bring in more movies and TV shows. Says Jenny Church, “What it really wants to do is direct.” So what did the agent advise its new client to do? “Move to New York.”

Philip Morris tobacco stock has dropped sharply. Says Alan Ray, “Board members are meeting to decide how to cut costs. They may have to sell off some of their politicians.”

Last weekend a Detroit man accidentally shot himself in the crotch while he was sleeping. Says Steve Voldseth, “All he knows is, he went to sleep with a 9mm and woke up with a 2mm.”

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Splitsville: The first issue of Divorce magazine is on newsstands this week:

* “When you open it, 27 business reply cards from Jacoby & Meyers fall out.” (Voldseth)

* “A subscription is free, but if you want to end it it costs you $3,000 a month.” (Jay Leno)

* “They should call it Bitter Homes & Gardens.” (Church)

* “There’s a fragrance sample--but it’s another woman’s.” (Church)

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Reader Nancy Thomas-Cote of Long Beach says she and her husband have a bachelor friend who has a boat they refer to as his “babe magnet.” Recently, while they were dreaming about what sort of boat they would like to own, 6-year-old daughter Liana offered:

“At least you are married and don’t have to buy one that women stick to!”