Punch Lines

Oh, them Dems: The Democratic National Convention opens today in Chicago:

* “When this party comes to town, Chicago officials know what they like. The city is rolling out the red tape.” (Alan Ray)

* “The Democrats are all ready with two tons of confetti--made out of shredded Whitewater documents.” (Hy Faber)

* “President Clinton already has gotten two key items locked up: the nomination and Susan McDougal.” (Ray)

* “Clinton will travel there by Amtrak. He’d get there faster on a NordicTrack.” (Faber)

* “Bob Dole tried making a cross-country train trip, but they kept draping an American flag over him.” (Faber)

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In the news: Clinton signed the welfare-reform bill into law late last week. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Now if you want to get a government check for the rest of your life without having to do anything, you have to get elected to Congress.”

* Adds Alex Kaseberg, “Weaning people off welfare won’t be hard. It’s weaning people off food that will prove tricky.”

The sales agent for Ronald Reagan’s ranch is offering Reaganomic financing, says E.P. Dowd. “That’s where you sign for the mortgage but your grandchildren have to make the payments.”

The SAT scores of college-bound high school seniors have increased slightly. Asks Jenny Church, “Is that because students are smarter, or because the officials calculating the averages can’t do the math?

* Adds Bob Mills, “Their SAT scores may be up, but their scores on SUN, MON, TUE, WED, THU and FRI still suck.”

The state Senate killed a bill that could have paved the way for the San Fernando Valley to secede from Los Angeles. Says Alex Pearlstein, “I don’t think we’ve seen the last of this issue. The initiative’s backers have already vowed that, ‘If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.’ ”

Stock in Jenny Craig’s company has fallen dramatically. Says Ray, “Testimonials about how much you can lose in 10 days now come from investors.”

A report shows teen drug use is up. Says Ray, “Officials say the warning signs among teenagers are laziness, sloppy dress and poor attitude. In other words, it’s impossible to tell.”

In San Diego last week, an English couple was attacked in their hotel room by their 9-foot python. Says Steve Voldseth, “That’s got to be tough. . . . I mean, what do you tip a 9-foot python?”

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Reader Robert Durell says son Kenneth, 6, was reading a riddle from Highlights magazine: “Why did the scientist install a fancy door-knocker? . . . He wanted to win the no-bell prize.”

After Dad stopped laughing, Kenneth said, “I don’t understand something.”

“You don’t know what the Nobel prize is?”

“I know what that is,” he said. “But what does ‘install’ mean? I thought it means when you put a CD-ROM into a computer.”