Punch Lines

Happy Labor Day! Says Alan Ray, “As unions go, so go American businesses--to Mexico . . . to Canada . . . to Asia. . . .”

Summer’s ending and the school year has returned. Says Ray, “When that school bell sounds Tuesday morning, it can mean only one thing: Somebody set off the metal detector.”

And pro football is back, too. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Once again coverage of the NFL is provided by Fox, NBC . . . and Court TV.”

* Adds Ray, “There’s no betting line on tonight’s Dallas Cowboys game. Michael Irvin snorted it.”

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Political bedfellows: Fallout continues to fly after political advisor Dick Morris’ hasty departure from the Clinton campaign after his affair with a $200-a-night hooker was reported:

* “Big deal. Lawyers charge more than that--and for essentially the same service.” (Karl Fleming)

* “Morris has worked for Democrats, Republicans, whoever would pay his fee. So the woman he was with was not only a prostitute, but also a colleague.” (Peter Musurlian)

* “According to the woman’s diary, Morris nicknamed the president ‘the Monster’ and the first lady ‘the Twister.’ Meanwhile, Bob Dole has a nickname for the hooker: ‘the Godsend.’ ” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

* “The Republicans immediately commissioned a new first-grade reader: ‘See Dick run. See Jane call the White House. See President Clinton explain the character issue.’ ” (Bob Mills)

* “The GOP is thrilled that Morris never got caught when he was a Republican.” (Cutler)

* “Letting a hooker read Hillary’s speech gives new meaning to the Democratic Party as a party of working women.” (Lisa Schiffren)

* “The Democratic convention was all family values on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Then, on the last day, there was a sex scandal, three Kennedys making speeches and Bill Clinton. Everybody loves a late-inning rally.” (Argus Hamilton)

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In the news: Prosecutors in Massachusetts are investigating claims that a Baptist church lured hundreds of children to be baptized by offering them pizza. Says Bill Williams, “Sounds like a clear violation of the separation of church and plate.”

ValuJet got the FAA’s permission to resume service, though it will take a few days before it starts flying again. Says Cutler, “Give the mechanics time to figure out just what that orange knobber-dobber thing is.”

The Lego toy company plans to open a $138-million Legoland theme park in Southern California by Christmas Day 1999. Says Steve Voldseth, “Depending, of course, on whether Santa brings a set with enough pieces in it.”

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Reader Jane Johnson of Palos Verdes was entertaining her 2 1/2-year-old granddaughter, Laurel, for a few days. Everything Grandma suggested they do for fun, Laurel said “No.” Finally, she asked why, and Laurel replied:

“My mother said, ‘Just say no.’ ”