Punch Lines

Designated spitter: Baseball umpires are threatening a boycott until Baltimore Orioles second baseman Roberto Alomar begins his suspension for spitting in an ump’s face:

* “Couldn’t Alomar have acted like an adult and just kicked dirt on his shoes?” (Hy Faber)

* “This could lead to the first World Series ever called on account of spit.” (Faber)

* “Oh, well. Spit happens.” (Jenny Church)

*

In the news: Israel’s Benjamin Netanyahu met with Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat at the White House. Peace is always possible, Argus Hamilton says. “The other night, Loni Anderson was running her fingers through Burt’s hair and decided to give him a call.”

Bob Dole was campaigning in a nursing home, says Ron Bronow. He greeted one 90-year-old resident by asking her, “Do you know who I am?” She looked up and replied, “No, but if you go to the front desk they’ll tell you.”

The House Ethics Committee has expanded its investigation of Newt Gingrich. Says Bob Mills, “Spokesmen for the speaker continue to insist that he has never personally been involved with ethics in any way.”

McDonald’s is adding more sandwiches designed to appeal to adult tastes. Says Paul Steinberg, “In fact, they’re even developing a new Depressed Meal just for grown-ups.”

New American Heart Assn. guidelines for dieters may lessen feelings of guilt. Says Church, “Juice for months and months, then finally Garcetti eats it.”

A speeding trucker led police on a 280-mile chase from Cleveland to Rochester, N.Y., where he crashed. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “The trouble began when he switched from truck-stop decaf to Starbucks Foglifter.”

Montblanc is recalling some of its $750 Alexandre Dumas fountain pens because they were engraved with the wrong signature. Says Stan Kaplan, “Also, in a crash, the inkwell tended to burst into poetry.”

Ranchers in South Dakota are looking for signs of selenium poisoning in their horses and cattle. The symptoms include hair loss and staggering. Asks Cutler, “Is it possible that Kelsey Grammer has been misdiagnosed?”

*

First comes love, then comes marriage . . . The tabs are reporting that JFK Jr.’s bride is nine weeks pregnant. Says Jerry Perisho, “Wow, and they’ve been married only a week. That guy is a stud!”

* Adds Hamilton, “What to name the baby? If it’s a boy, they should call him John-John-John.”

*

Reader Gladys Sturman of Calabasas says her daughter, Esther Rabi, was explaining atoms to her young children. She explained that every substance in the world is made up of millions of tiny atoms and that they are always in motion. Said 6-year-old Schmuel:

“That’s why my shirt is so itchy.”