Punch Lines

In the news: Cyberspace has a virtual candidate named Richard Stands who has JFK’s looks, Nixon’s brains and Reagan’s charm. Says Argus Hamilton, “Well, Bill Clinton is close. He has JFK’s hormones, Nixon’s scruples and Reagan’s memory.”

The last debate is set for Wednesday. Says Alan Ray, “Bob Dole promises not to attack Clinton personally. Rather, he’ll concentrate on key domestic issues . . . like marital fidelity and crime in the workplace.”

* Adds Hamilton, “Clinton’s team is afraid Dole is going to ‘go negative.’ And how do we know Dole is negative? He’s been tested and tested and tested.”

The Clintons celebrated their 21st wedding anniversary on Friday. Says Bob Mills, “Twenty-one years ago, Bill said ‘I do’--and he’s been saying ‘I swear I didn’t’ ever since.”

Time Warner completed its purchase of Turner Broadcasting System but not before there was a little controversy, says Brian J. Hill. “It seems Jane Fonda was photographed visiting the Time Warner camp.”

Californians are furious over the state’s new earthquake-insurance rates, which are much higher in some ZIP codes than in others. Says Stan Kaplan, “All we want is a fair shake.”

Male firefighters in Iowa are protesting the appointment of the volunteer department’s first woman. Says Jerry Perisho, “The leader of the protest said, ‘The next thing you know, they’ll want to vote, run for Congress and ride in the space shuttle.’ ”

The fashion world needs a safety czar, says Hamilton. “A woman was injured this week. She was wearing a Wonderbra and Miracle Boost jeans, and when she tried to take them off at the same time the recoil blew her out the window.”

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Hooray for Hollywood: “Good news for the pope!” says Dennis Miller. “Michael Jackson has just purchased his appendix for $50,000.”

The actress who plays Xena the Warrior Princess fractured her pelvis while rehearsing a stunt for “The Tonight Show.” Says Steve Voldseth, “Obviously a freak accident. Where else on TV could an actress break her pelvis rehearsing . . . I mean, besides ‘Melrose Place.’ ”

Actor Chris O’Donnell says when he plays Robin in the next Batman movie, his codpiece will be a little smaller than last time. Says Jimmy McConnell, “Gee, I wonder if that’s because he’ll be fighting Mr. Freeze.”

Jay Leno is catching heat from the company that makes Depends for all his jokes about adult diapers. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “Apparently, Leno’s jokes leaked to the wrong people.”

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Reader Marylou Trujillo of Wilmington took her 8-year-old granddaughter to meet some of her relatives. After meeting several of her cousins she was introduced to her Uncle Thomas, who is African American. After a pause, she asked him:

“You’re adopted, right?”